Ghost of Fanfics Past

I've been reading over some of my older works and first I have to say, I've written a lot of bad fanfiction over the years. My earlier stuff as a whole, is not that good, though certainly not terrible. But reading it, I can certainly see where I've improved.

But that's not that surprising. I was fifteen when I wrote my first fanfiction, one would hope that six years later I'd have improved at least slightly. Six years, that seems impossible to me. How could I have been doing this for six years?

In that six years I've written more stories than I choose to count and changed fandoms multiple times. After all, that first story was a Buffy fanfic and that's a fandom I've long abandoned. Days, Charmed, Xena. Other fandoms I've since abandoned. My muse takes me wherever my interest currently is.

I've decided to post some of my very old fanfics here and give them critical look. I'll start with the first fanfiction I ever wrote "As the Years Go By", a Cordelia piece. It was not brilliant, though not bad for a first work.

As The Years Go By
By Michelle

Many years ago someone, I can't remember who, said that of all your memories there'll be one you'll never forget. It may fade in time, but it'll always be there. I think the person was my mother.

Anyway, she said it'll either be a memory of a happy time or of something
that changed your life forever.

Mine is of a day long ago, a day our worlds shattered. When I say our I mean us, the group of us chosen to help the slayer in her fight. We weren't chosen the same way as her, but in a different way.

When I think of my teens I divide them into two parts, Before The Spring Fling of 1997 and after. Even the after I have to divide into before we lost her and after.

Let me tell you about that day I still see so clear, the day the darkness claimed one more.

Okay, the beginning could be worse, I suppose. I actually kind of like the part about memories. Though, I think the first part is a little flowery. But a lot of what I write is, so...

I remember that I was dancing with Xander and Willow was just staring at Oz, who was across the table from her. He was staring at her back. Angel ran into The Bronze. He looked around and the worried look on his face beckoned us to him.

That whole paragraph is a little awkward. The phrasing and such could be better.

"Where's Buffy?" He asked, his voice breaking. I remember my heart skipping a beat. What if something had happened to her? By the time I tuned back into the conversation, they had decided to look for her. Xander clutched my hand for support and I gave it to him.

The winter here is cold and bitter,
it's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
to long too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking,
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low.

I wrote too many song fics back then and most of them wer set to Sarah McLachlan. The song isn't a perfect fit for the story, but it's not weirdly out of place either, I suppose.

I was the first to see her. We couldn't find her any where and Willow suggested the park. Sure enough, there she was lying on the ground.

The worst part was that she wasn't dead when we found her. Even after all this time I still can't decide whether it was good or bad that she was still alive when we found her. Maybe it was good because we got to say goodbye, but it made us hurt more. We weren't prepared to actually see her die.

Very repetitive, I know. It's something I still have a problem with.

I think we all thought that one day we find her body then deal, grieve and move on, that's how I thought it would happen. I mean we all knew that she probably wouldn't make it to graduation, but we weren't ready. None of us, and I don't think we ever would've been.

Could there be a more awkward paragraph? Ouch. That one hurts to read. I suppose it should be more like: I think we all imagined that one day we'd just find her body and then be forced to deal with it. That we'd grieve and then move on. That's how I always thought it would happen. I mean we all knew that she probably wasn't going to make it to Graduation. We all knew that she was going to die young and that it would probably be in our near future, but knowing and accepting are two different things. None of us were ready for it to actual happen. I don't think there was enough preparation in the world that would have made us be ready.

Angel gathered her gently in his arms, then she weakly called us all towards her.

"Wow, this is how it ends," she said, looking at each of us in turn, "I want you guys to know I love you all, in different ways. Xander, you like a brother. Willow and Cordeila as sisters and my best friends ever. Oz you were becoming like a sturdy big brother to me too." Her voice was soft and breaking with her tears.

Then she turned to look up at Angel. "And Angel, I love you as my true love, because you were. Tell my mom, Ms.Calender and Giles how much I love them. And Angel don’t even think about making me into a vampire, it’s time. My time's run out. They say in the Bible there's a time for every thing under the heaven. I guess mine's finally over. Goodbye."

She reached up and kissed Angel one last time, it was the sweetest, purest kiss I've ever seen. Then she left us. Our sweet Buffy left us.

Oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.
I know I could love you much better than this,
full of grace,
full of grace,
my love.

So it's better this way, I said,
having seen this place before.
where everything we said and did,
hurts us all the more.

We all lost it, in different ways. Willow fell to the ground sobbing, and a tearful Oz comforted her. Xander just stood there, frozen, not allowing us to comfort him. Angel still held her in his arms, he was crying "Nooooooooooooooo" over and over.

I think loosing her was hardest on him. We just had to live without a friend, he had to live without his soul mate. And I was just standing there refusing to let myself think about her being gone.

Ouch. That whole part is very juvenile and lacking true depth. It's also very out of character. Both what Buffy's saying and the way Cordelia is narrating. I'm not as true to the characters as I should have been.

The style and shallowness is what bothers me the most looking back. I write the scene without any real emotion, without exploring the depths of pain, the ravages of grief. But, Hell, I was fifteen then and not experienced with either of those things.

In the same old sickly skin,
I'm pulled down by the undertow.
I never thought I could feel so low,
Oh darkness I feel like letting go.

If all the strength,
and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.
I know I could love you much better than this,
It's better this way.

It's been over 10 years since that day. Giles died of a heart attack 17 hours after Buffy's death. Willow and Oz married and had a daughter Elizabeth whom they call Buffy, named in honour of what the books say was the strongest slayer in history.

Angel asked Kendra to dust him, and she did right over Buffy's grave. They're together now. Mrs. Summers never found out the truth and she moved away from Sunnydale after Buffy died saying, "It's to hard. There are too many memories here."

Ms.Calender never married and was killed by a vampire 3 years ago. She's buried next to Giles. I'm glad that like Buffy and Angel they're together in death, because they loved each other the same way.

Kendra was killed months after Buffy. After she died the few of us left distanced ourselves from the slaying game. At least we tried.

The night before we were supposed to be married Xander was attacked and killed by a vampire. I gave birth to our son, Alexander Harris Chase, 7 months later. Xander never even knew I was pregnant.

I was definitely a drama queen back then. Killing off most of the characters in a short time span. What can I say, I've never liked happy endings.

After all this time I've realized as much I try I'll never forget the night it all started to crumble, though now I can say goodbye to her. I never could before.

Goodbye dearest Buffy. I believe in my heart that they're all together, Buffy, Angel, Giles, Ms.Calender, Kendra, and Xander, and that they're waiting for the rest of us to join them. Until then I will remember them with all the emotion they deserve.

The End

Okay. Let's see, most of my problems with the story are with the lack of substance. There's no depth anywhere. No real emotion. The whole plot and situation is very trite. The charchter's are also out of character.

I mean, it's not a bad story, per say, but it's not great by any strech of the imagination either. Lot's of room for improvement. First of all, I probably shouldn't have killed off most of the characters and I should have given it more depth and feeling.

Still, for a first effort, it could have been worse, I'm sure.