Creative Rambles

My Miracle Stories

2006-04-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

So, as it goes I have three Miracle stories focusing on original characters, well, it's actually five--but three of the stories are a trilogy, so I'm counting those as one since they revolve around the same original character.

In all three of those stories, Of Dreams and Miracles, Whatever It Takes, and To Make A Miracle, my original character is a fictional older daughter of Herb Brooks from a fictional first marriage.

Yet, though they were all based on the same idea, the three daughters are incredibly different people. Especially my newest creation, Anita, the main character in To Make A Miracle. I'll admit that Lexi, from Whatever It Takes, and Liz, from Of Dreams and Miracles, actually share a lot of similarities, mainly because Lexi's story is what I thought Liz's was going to be, yet wasn't.

However, Anita is totally different from them both and thus her story is completely different. It's not the same story, the same problems taken a different direction, it's a new story, with new problems and new love interests.

I love all three of my characters. I don't feel I created them, more that I discovered them. After all, I only intended to write one Miracle story, not three different sets of them. That was never in the plans, but it just kinda happened.

Liz is the sweetest of the three original characters and also my favourite. She's done three years of college, yet decided to take time off and isn't sure she'll ever finish her degree, because really it's just not that important to her. A complete Daddy's girl, the conflict in her home life is between her and her mother, who just doesn't understand her. She lives at home because that's where she's happiest. She's gentle and committed, definitely a girlfriend-girl. She doesn't like conflict or violence. She holds grudges and clings to things long after she should have let them go. She tries to shut away what she's really feeling, so that she doesn't have to deal with the pain. She's the mothering type, even though she can't cook. She loves sports, especially hockey, and she's comfortable being "one of the guys".

Then there's Lexi, who's a lot like Liz, just spicier. She's done with college, with a degree in psychology. She's a Daddy's girl, but she actually gets along pretty well with her Mom. Yet, as much as she loves her parents, she has her own place, because her parents tend to smother her. She's temperamental and tends to fly off the handle. She's been in a serious relationship for several years, yet doesn't define as the relationship type, she thinks she'd be just as comfortable with a fling. She puts it all out there for you and doesn't hold anything back. She's in your-face, very confrontational. She's a sports nut, skated for years, and loves to play and watch any sport she can. She's comfortable being "one of the guys", but never for a second lets them forget that she's also a girl. She's a tomboy, yet infinitely feminine all at the same time.

Lastly, there's Anita. She's dropped out of college twice and isn't sure she'll go back. She can't hold a job for longer than a few months. Her relationship with her father is extremely strained, she just doesn't know to realize to him and never has. Relationships aren't her strong suit, she's never had one last more than a few months. Mostly because when things get hard or complicated, she tends to run away. She doesn't deal with her feelings, she runs from them. She doesn't know how to deal with things properly. She hates sports, especially hockey, because she's always associated it with her father. She's easy to get along with, but hard to get to know.

Maybe that's why I couldn't resist writing a new story, because of the three, Anita is the most intruging character. There's so conflict, so much anger in her and her story and I'm eager to explore that. That's what I like about these three stories, is that the girls are all so different, so it's not like writing the same thing over and over, at least I don't feel that it is.

Growth

2006-03-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

I've been neglecting this blog, I know that. The problem is, I haven't been doing the fanfiction thing as much. I find, the more, my original idea builds in my head, the more I turn from fanfic.

Don't get me wrong, I love fanfiction. Everything I am as a writer, came from fanfiction. My voice, my writing style, it was all born from fanfiction. I gained experience and confidence and an idea of my own abilities and style from writing fanfic.

That said, I think the time is coming for me to move on. I'm not there entirely yet, I certianly want to finish up the projects I've started (or at least some of them). I have other ideas that are still bubbling in my mind, but I'm slowly drifting away from fanfiction.

I find I've been writing more poetry and short stories and then I've had one major idea that's dominating my thoughts and my muse. I've borrowed other peoples characters long enough, it's time to start finding my own, as scary as that is.

I've written fanfiction for eight years now and hte idea of that coming to an end... Well, it's like ending a part of myself. Misha was born from my writing fanfiction, has become a whole seprate person within myself. She's helped me grow, but I hate hte idea that I might have outgrown her.

I guess, that's one of the things that really sucks about growing up, you always have to leave things behind. I grew up as a person a while ago, and left precious, childish things behind. Now, I'm facing the fact that I'm growing as a writer and that might mean leaving other precious things behind...

Questionaire

2005-10-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

I found this on someone's live journal and since I haven't posted anything significany here in a while (blame it on not having access to 90% of my work), I thought I'd post this.

For 5 of your fandoms,
1. The first character you first fell in love with
2. The character you never expected to love as much as you do now
3. The character everyone else loves that you don't
4. The character you love that everyone else hates
5. The character you used to love but don't any longer
6. The character 'ship everyone else loves that you don't
7. The character 'ship you love that everyone else hates

So those are the questions, here are my answers.

Veronica Mars
1. Lilly
2. Dick--he's growing on me
3. Logan
4. Duncan, I don't know about everyone, but it seems like a large percentage doesn't like poor Duncan.
5. Meg, I guess, is really the only one.
6. Logan/Veronica, I feel absoloutly no LoVe for them.
7. Duncan/Veronica, I adore them, even if not a lot of other people do.

Harry Potter
1. Harry
2. Neville. I adore him now.
3. Ginny, 90% of the time she bugs me.
4. Draco, well lot's of people do like him, but he is supposed to be an unlikeable character.
5. Hermione's lost a little of her appeal, I guess.
6. Ron/Hermione, I'll just never get it.
7. Ginny/Neville.

General Hospital
1. Robin Scorpio, a very long time ago.
2. Nikolas has really grown on me.
3. Carly, I've never seen the appeal.
4. Well, I really like Reese, but she is being fired, so..
5. Sonny, he annoys me more than he used to.
6. Sonny/Carly.
7. Lucky/Emily, don't get me wrong I love Nem and Lucky/Liz, but there's just something about Lucky and Emily...

Gilmore Girls
1. Lorelai
2. Paris, I've learned to love her.
3. Jess.
4. Christopher, I love him.
5. Logan, I used to like him and now I loathe him.
6. Rory/Jess.
7. Cristopher/Lorelai. I mean, I love L/L too, but htere's something about first love...

Instant Star
1. Jude, of course.
2. Jamie, he grew on me.
3. I'm not sure there is one.
4. I kinda like Sadie, just not with Tommy.
5. Again, non ereally.
6. I guess Jamie/Jude, but I'm not sure how popular it is.
7. None. My only 'ship is Tommy/Jude.

That was actually harder than I thought...

Update

2005-10-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

I probably should have posted this months ago, but I was lazy. Also, I didn't know how long the problem would be, so I kept delaying it, hoping things woudl be solved. BUt they weren't.

So, here's the situation: My computer is dead. It just stopped working one day. I write all my work on my computer and I rarely back up, so it's all on that computer. Thus, I have no access to it.

I am getting the files taken off that computer and eventually should have access again. Sooner or later. But at the moment, I have no access. So, thus I can't update my stories.

I have been getting some questions as to when I was going to update my works-in-progress or write some new stuff. The answer is, I don't know. Well, I do have some new stuff that I've been working on and that I will post somewhere soon.

But, as for my on-going stuff, it's all on my other computer and I don't know when it'll be fixed. Soon, I hope. But until then, there will be no major updates on any of my stories. Sorry.

Well, there it is, an update on my situation, since I'm sure there is at least one person reading this blog who wondered why I hadn't updated in forever.

Half-Blood Prince: How It Affects My Harry Potter Fanfiction

2005-07-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

All right, this post discusses the new Harry Potter novel and it how it affects by on-going Harry Potter fanfiction. If you haven't read Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince yet, stay far away from this post.

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All right, if you're still reading, I assume you're all right with being Spoiled. I'm going to post in my Other Blog soon, discussing how I felt about the book itself, this post is how Half-Blood Prince affects my Harry Potter fanfiction.

First, of all, no matter what direction the book goes, I'm never going to write Harry/Ginny or Ron/Hermione, at least not without it being angst. I'm a Harry/Hermione shipper and that's not going to change.

Secondly, even though in now states for sure that Blaise Zabini is male, he's staying a girl in my stories. I'm not going back and changing the stories where Blaise appears or is mentioned and totally changing the plot in some cases. It's not happening. So, in the world of my stories, Blaise is a girl.

Third, I'm still in shock over Snape's betrayal. I love Snape and in my world, he's not evil. I just can't even wrap my head around it yet. I just can't. So for now, I'm going to ignore it. Just like I'm going to ignore Dumbledore's Death.

Now let's see how it affects my current stories and series:

The Girl Who Lived: Obviously the behaviour of Snape and Draco differs from the characters as I've written them in this story. That's okay, this story was already pretty AU and I'd decided that as of the end of Goblet of Fire it was going to vear wildly away from the cannon, so while a few things from HBP will make their way into this series, my version of Book 6 (Book 5 as well) will be entirely different.

The Betrayed: I rewrote this story after OotP to incoporate details of taht story, I'm not rewriting it again. So, this is now firmly an AU. Everything after OotP did not happen in this stories universe.

This Life: This was an AU from start to finish and several of the characters were already changed. So again, ignore the events of HBP. Some details from HBP may be added, but the story certainly won't follow the plot.

Unbreakable Bonds: This story was set in sixth year, so think of it as an alternate sixth year. The events of HBP will only have minimal impact on this particular story. I might incorporate some of the evnets in, but certainly not all of them.

The Darkest of Times: Perhaps the only one I could tamper with and fit into the current stream of things. I haven't decided if I will or not. Stay posted for information on that.

Memories of the Heart.cwk: This one's been an AU since OotP was released. I couldn't fit details reveald in OotP into this and I'm not even going to bother with HBP. Especially, since I'm working on a prequel which will be an alternate fifth and sixth year.

Return to Childhood: Again this story is actaully supposed to be set in Sixth Year, so think of it as an alternate Sixth Year. There's no way I can make this story fit the new cannon, nor do I wish to.

Friends and Memories: Like Memories of the Heart this one's been an AU since OotP was released. It's even more so now. After all the book version of Seamus' mother and my fictional version seem very different and the same is obviously true of my version of Snape. So, this is an AU series.

There you have it, with one possible exception, my stories are not going to be impacted too much by the events of Half-blood Prince, I might borrow a thing or two from the book, but for the most part I'm just going to pretend I never read it.

That's not to say I'm not going to write some post-HBP stories, I probably will. But, for my current pieces, including ones I haven't posted yet, I'm just going to go on as I was, never-minding that the stories no longer fit in cannon.

It's All About the Right Pairing...

2005-05-04T01:27:00.000-07:00

I'm acutally get pretty used to posting my Instant Star stories here and since it seems that people have been reading them, I'll continue to do so.

The first season is actually over now and that leaves us months without any new episdoes. Sigh. Though, lots of time for writing and stories ideas. I'm still irritated about the season finale. Tommy and Sadie, yuck. Well, not in my world. In my world Tommy and Jude rule all.

Which is one reason I write fanfiction. Almost every fandom I've ever written for, there's been one huge standout couple that dominated my stories. I started long ago writing stories about Buffy and Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and have since then have gone onto writes stories for at least 10 other fandoms and with each, there was one dominate couple.

Sometimes more than one, back in my Days of Our Lives phase, when that was all I was writing, I focused on several different couples amongst the teen characters. And actually, I did the same thing with Buffy as well, but to a less extent.

Still, mainly I tend to focus on one couple from a specific fandom, even if I do write about others. Buffy and Angel, Cole and Phoebe from Charmed, and Josh and Donna from The West Wing, to name a few. For some reason, relationships have always dominated my work, though rarely happily...

I also have a tendancy to like couples who will never get together (i.e my whole Smallville Clark and Lex slash phase, my thing for Harry Potte slash about Harry and Draco, or my weird fixation on Shawn and Chloe from Days), couples who might get together, but might not (such as Josh and Donna and Sam and Ainsley from TWW [before both Sam and Ainsley left] or Harry and Hermione from HP) or couples who were together but who then broke up probably for good (like Buffy and Angel, Cole and Phoebe, or Sonny and Brenda from General Hospital, though I did start writing about them when they were still together for the most part).

For some reason, I rarely write about couples who are together and happy, maybe because that's boring. I don't know, maybe it's because I like a challenge. Still, it might explain why I'm so attached to Tommy and Jude, there's obviously an attraction and a connection, but they aren't together yet and they have obstacles in their way. Just what I love to write about.

So, Tommy and Jude is my new obsessive pairing. I totally get inspired to write about them, though rarely happy pieces. Mainly just because I'm an angst fiend. So, here's another angsty Jude/Tommy piece for whoever's bothering to read this.

Twenty-One
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be so young?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just a depressing Jude piece written after "Unsweet Sixteen", but set five years in the future. It's Jude's twenty-first birthday, but it's not a happy day. I don't know why this one is so depressing, but I couldn't help it. I was in an angsty mood, I guess. I hope this one isn't too bad, though it is kind of on the dark side. Oops. Well, that's all, enjoy!

Pairing- Tommy/Jude

Summery- Once all she had wanted was to be twenty-one, now she just wishes she could be sixteen again.

Spoilers- Up to "Unsweet Sixteen".

Rating- PG-13

Twenty-one.

There were times when Jude never thought she'd make it to be that old. When it seemed so far away.

There had also been times in her life, when it had been all she wanted was to be that age. On her sixteenth birthday, that horrible night so long ago, it was all she had wished for.

To be old enough. Because if she had been twenty-one, then what she and Tommy felt would have been okay.

Now, she was twenty-one, but it was different.

There was no Tommy waiting in the wings. Because she'd been too young when they met and they crossed that line and it went badly.

Maybe, things would have turned out the same way regardless, but she didn't believe that. She believed it was some sort of punishment. They couldn't be good and wait, so it went so horribly wrong.

They tried to resist, for a good year after that night, after that party. They worked together and they tried their hardest not to let it be anything. But, things can only be denied so long and they came together.

To be fair, Tommy had tried harder to resist, but once Jude had realized that she couldn't fight her feelings for him, she had pursued him with all her might. Eventually, his resistance had cracked.

Jude thought about it often.

She felt ancient at twenty-one, so much older than she had been at seventeen.

Yet, if she closed her eyes, she could be there again. She could feel his mouth and skin and his body pressing against hers. She could be seventeen and in love with someone she shouldn't be.

She still loved him. Four years since that first night, three years since it all went so terribly wrong, and she still loved him.

That was the worst part of it all, maybe, that he had been the one. Her true love, her soulmate, brought into her life too early and ripped away.

She honestly believed that if she had been older, then things would have ended differently.

She knew she'd never forget the night it fell apart.

She'd always remember that fight with her parents. She had finally told them about Tommy, she'd had to tell them because she was pregnant.

She knew she'd never forget the awful things they said to each other and how upset she was when she got behind the wheel.

She remembers how Tommy got in the car with her, trying to convince her to let him drive. She remembers ignoring him and taking off, going as fast as she could.

She doesn't remember losing control of the car and hitting the tree. But she does remember waking up in the E.R.

She remembers the doctor gently breaking the news that she lost the baby. She remembers how devastated she was and that all she wanted was Tommy. She remembers asking to see him and having Georgia tell her softly that he was gone.

She'll never forget the moment.

The realization that Tommy was dead because of her. If she hadn't been so upset and driving so fast, he would still be alive today. She knows that. So would their baby.

Her life would have been so different, if only she hadn't been so reckless. She thought about that often, about the life she would have had if that night had been different.

She thought about that almost as often as she relived that night over and over again in her nightmares. She'd give anything to go back and be able to do it over.

But that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going to get the miracle that would let her change the mistakes of the past.

She had been too young and too stupid and she'd paid the price. If only she had waited, then maybe it would have been different.

Maybe she would have been celebrating her birthday with Tommy. But that wasn't going to happen. She was finally old enough for him, but it was too late.

No, her twenty-first birthday was nothing like she had once thought it would be.

It was her fault. She'd been young and stupid and she'd gone after what she wanted, instead of waiting like she should have and because of that, it all feel apart.

If only she had known then what now. If only she had waited, then maybe this day would be different.

Maybe it would be what she had dreamed of long ago and maybe Tommy would be here celebrating with her.

But that was never going to happen.

She was twenty-one, but it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. If only she could go back and correct the mistakes of her youth.

It was funny, when she was sixteen all she wanted was to be twenty-one, but now that she was twenty-one she just wanted to be sixteen. Because if she was, then she could correct the mistakes of her past.

But that wasn't going to happen.

Still, it was funny how life worked, wasn't it? You always wanted what you didn't have.

The End

Yeah, that was angsty. Maybe, I'll actually go writing a cute, fluffy, happy piece. But knowing me, probably not.

Oh and if anyone's curious, though links are for old stories of mine about the couples I had been talking about. I figured this is my blog, I might as well advertise my own work, a lot of which can be found here if you're curious.

Broken Illusions

2005-04-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

So this is an orginal fanfiction piece I wrote. It took me a couple months to complete, which is weird since it's only a few pages. Still, that sometimes.

I started this after a conversation with my friend Tonya several months ago. She made me wonder if reality could ever live up to fantasy and this is what I came up with.

With most of my original stuff, I start with my own life and then diverge. I mess with situations and emotions and let my imagination take over. It starts with fantasy and becomes something else entirely.

I'm not sure if I like this one or not, but I think it certainly captures what I was going with when I started it. It captures the emotion that I wanted to display. I wanted to answer that question of what happens when you acheive something you've spent years trying to attain?

Created October 23rd, 2004

Broken Illusions
By Michelle

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She had waited her entire life for this and now that it came, it just felt so... Wrong.

Rachel lay in the darkness, just staring at the ceiling. She felt so cheap and dirty. Not the way she had expected to feel.

She glanced over at the man sleeping next to her. He seemed unaffected by the consequences of what had happened, but then why should he? It was nothing out of the ordinary for him. She was just another woman he had taken to his bed.

Actually, she knew that wasn't quite true. He wouldn't write her off that callously. After all, she wasn't just any woman he had taken to his bed.

She was his lifelong friend, the daughter of his parents oldest and dearest friends. Their lives had always been intertwined. They had been so many things to each other.

He had been part brother, cousin, friend, foe, crush. He had never fit into one role in her life and maybe that was why she had wasted so much of her time and energy over the year thinking about him.

This day had been several years in the making. Since they were sixteen year old kids.

She had thrown herself at him back then and he had rejected her. The next few years were spent with an awkward tension that they never spoke of. They tried to pretend that everything was wonderful between them.

But they couldn't pretend any longer. They were twenty-four now. No longer children. But then she was perfectly aware of that, as this was no childish mistake she had made.

No it was the mistake that only a woman could make.

She should have known it wasn't a good idea. Maybe rationally she did, but some part of her wouldn't listen. Some part of her still clung to the childish dream of happily ever after. But she didn't think that was in the cards.

Nick wasn't the settling down type, at least not at this point in his life. She supposed that's why he had spent so long trying to prevent this moment.

She had wanted him since she was sixteen and she had recently learnt that he had always wanted her as well, but for eight years he ahd insisted on pushing her away. Because he knew that taking her to his bed was not a good idea.

Everyone had tried to tell her that. Her mother, her sister, his sister, her friends. They had all tried to warn her that some things were better left alone, but she couldn't do it. Not once she discovered that he wanted her like she had always wanted him.

So, for the second time in their lives, she threw herself at him. Except this time, she wasn't an inexperienced child. She was a woman who knew what she wanted and how to go after it. In the end, she had succeeded.

His resolve had cracked and now she lay naked in his bed. And she wished with all her might that she was anywhere else.

"Do you really think you can handle being one of the women he sleeps with and then discards?"

Her mother's words, spoken several months earlier, rang in her head now. Not that he had discarded her yet, but she had no doubt that he would.

Maybe not right away, maybe their fling would last a few weeks or even a few months, but it would end, because with Nick, the flings always ended. No woman could hold him down for long.

Not even the girl who had adored him all their lives.

She closed her eyes, trying to fight back tears.

God, this was so wrong. She hated herself, hated him, hated everything about this stupid situation.

She thought she might throw up. This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. It was supposed to be beautiful, magical, the first night of the rest of their lives.

Instead, it just felt wrong.

Not that the sex hadn't been fantastic. At least that hadn't been a let down. No, Nick was pretty terrific in bed. Very skilled, very considerate.

But that's all it was.

Sex.

She had always assumed that went she went to bed with Nick, they'd make love. That there'd be deep emotion as well as physical pleasure and there wasn't.

She had spent eight years building it up in her head and the reality was a terrible let down. It wasn't his fault, of course. It was her own.

Nick had always been up front with her. Well, except about his feelings, btu that was natural. Still, he had never pretended that this was anything but what it was.

She was the one who had built up in her own mind, expecting it to be a life-changing experience when all it was some great sex with a guy she liked, but didn't want to spend the rest of her life with.

As she lay in the darkness, Rachel was forced to admit that she wasn't in love with Nick.

She loved him, of course. He had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember, of course she loved him. But not as a woman loved a man.

She loved him like a sister loved a brother. Like you loved a dear, old friend. She loved him like a young girl loves the boy next door.

She had always assumed that he was the one and had never stopped to really examine her feelings. Maybe she hadn't wanted to, because loving Nick was easy, she had been doing it all her life, after all.

Admitting that she no longer loved him was much harder. Nick had been her shield from every other man. After all, it was okay that she never got seriously involved with any of them, because her heart belonged to Nick.

Except it didn't. Maybe it never had.

Rachel contemplated getting out of the bed and getting dressed and sneaking out of there. Except, she knew that she couldn't do that. This might not be the grand love affair she had wanted it to be, but it deserved more respect than a quickly regretted one-night stand.

Not that she hadn't had a few of those, but not Nick.

No, even now, he was more than that. Even if he wasn't Prince Charming on a white steed who'd sweep her off her feet to go live happily ever after. But that wasn't his fault. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't.

If it was anybody's fault it was her own. She was the one that had made a flesh and blood male into a fantasy creation. It's no surprise that in the end she was disappointed.

But maybe it was for the best.

Maybe this what she need to start facing reality, to go find what she was really looking for. Nick wasn't it, he'd never been it.

Rachel smiled slightly, if a tad bitterly.

This night hadn't been what she had wanted it to be, but at least it had made her grow up.

Perhaps, that was why it hurt so much.

Nobody ever likes to have their fairy tale shattered and she was no exception.

But, there was no going back. One night had destroyed the illusion she had lived with for eight years and she'd never get it back.

The End

It's mainly fiction. But those that know me, know where I got the idea. Of course the difference is, that I'll never find out how the reality matches up.

First of all, it's not in the cards. But even if it was, it's not worth it. Things work the way they are and there are some places you should never. Besides for me, that was never an option, anyway.

Still, that's why I wrote this story. Who knows if that's the way it would really be in real life? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm not likely to find out, nor do I really want to.

I think I'd rather have the fantasy than face the harsh reality.

Broadening Horizons

2005-04-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm back with more Instant Star fanfiction. I'm also postiting at http://www.fanfiction.net/~Misha as well, but since I already started using this blog as a play to store my Instant Star fic, I figured I might as well continue.

Today's featured piece isn't actually Jude/Tommy (well not really), nor is it really depressing. It's a Kat piece set between "Hey Sister" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want". It just came to me, so I wrote it.

I like expanding my horizons sometimes anyway. I can't alwyas write the same thing--though I do have more Tommy/Jude stuff in progress, including a chapter piece that should have the first part done shortly.

Still, I'd like to work on stories about the other characters. I mean, you can't write the same story over and over, that's boring. So, here it is, my Kat piece.

My Knight
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be so young?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just a short Kat fic set in between "Hey Sister" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want". It stars out more somber and then gets cheerful, since I started it right after "Hey Sister". This is just the sort of interlude piece, sort of Kat's decision to go after Jamie. I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense, but I like it and I hope you do too. Enjoy!

Summery- I know I'm not the princess of the story, but that's okay, because I don't want Prince Charming, I'll settle for the knight, instead.

Pairing- Kat/Jamie, some implied Jamie/Jude and Tommy/Jude.

Rating- PG

Spoilers- Up to "You Can't Always Get What You Want".

In love. Jamie's in love with Jude.

I thought it was some silly crush that he'll get over. Then I heard him say it, that he's in love with her. I thought I'd throw up.

You see, as much as I pretend not to like him, I do. Isn't it ironic, I've got a crush on the guy who's in love with my best friend. And she's got a crush on her producer, who's feelings I couldn't even begin to guess.

It's all pretty complicated.

I really like Jamie. I see him when Jude doesn't, that's what is so frustrating.

He doesn't have a shot in Hell with Jude. She likes him, he's her friend, but she's so crazy about Tommy that she doesn't see anyone else.

Kind of like Jamie with Jude. He's so crazy about her that he doesn't see anyone else, mainly me.

I think that's why I give him a hard time so much, because I don't want to admit my feelings for him. After all, he's crazy about my best friend. And I can't compete with Jude, just like Jamie can't compete with Tom Quincy.

It's a fact of life.

It's like a fairytale, where the basic rule is that the knight doesn't shot have a shot in Hell of beating the prince, just like the handmaiden can't beat the princess.

All she can do is wait until the princess runs off with the prince and breaks the knight's heart.

I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to watch and wait until Jude's smashed Jamie's heart into a billion pieces.

And that will happen. I guarantee it. She'll break his heart. She won't mean to, but she'll do it. She'll do it without ever realizing it.

Because she doesn't see Jamie, not really, she never has. She sees him as her best friend, but she doesn't see him as more that, she doesn't want to see him as more than that.

But I do and I'm going to do something about it. I'm not just going to stand here, while he pines away for the girl he'll never get.

Why should I? Why shouldn't I have a chance at being happy? Maybe I'm not the princess in this fairytale, but that's okay, I'm not aiming for Prince Charming.

Well, he might be my Prince Charming, but not in this story. No, in this story, that titles reserved for a certain producer.

But that's okay. I don't really want Prince Charming. I'll let Jude be the princess, I'll let her have her boy band hottie. No, I just want Jamie.

And I'm going to get him.

Jude doesn't want him, she never will. So I don't think she'll mind if I pursue him. I mean, why would she?

So, I'll do it, I'll pursue Jamie Andrews and make him see that there are other girls besides Jude Harrison out there in the world. That while Jude isn't meant for him, maybe I am.

I'm going to do it, I'm going to make Jamie see that I'm the girl for him!

Just maybe this story will have a happy ending after all, even if we aren't the stars of any fairytale.

That's okay, if I can get Jamie, then I'm okay with second billing. I'll let Jude have the spotlight and Prince Charming, I just want a noble knight named Jamie Andrews.

The End

So there it is. Another Instant Star piece. I'm getting quite addicted, actually.

Feedback

2005-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Like any writer, feedback is one of my favourite things. It's certianly not why I write, I write because my muse tells me too. Writing is a part of my very being, I don't think I could ever stop writing. However, positive feedback does help.

When, I'm feeling discoured about a story or just suffering from writer's block, a positive review or e-mail can go along way. I don't write for the praise, but I definitely enjoy it. Now, that's not saying that every review I get is positve. I've gotten my share of negative reviews, but most of have been constructive and have helped.

I like knowing what I did wrong, so I can correct it. As long as it's worded constructively, then I actually appreciate it. I really like being given advice on how to improve my writing. The ones that are just plain negative, well I don't like them, but I can live with them.

But it's the postive reviews that mean so much. I've gotten so many wonderful, funny, really nice reviews. Hearing that people liked my work and that prevoked to think, that means so much to me.

One of my favourites was: its very nice, the perfect ending to the series, but its different from your usual style and a little too sweet. That's from a Harry Potter story I wrote a while ago, a short, sweet piece about Harry once the war with Voldemort was over. I just found the review interesting, as it almost implies that I should stick to the angst, which is my usual style.

I really like the long reviews, full of plot points and suggestions and interpetations. I like the idea that my stories make people think. I don't want to write stupid, mindless things, even if it's just fanfiction. I want to write things worth reading.

One of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten was: Wow.
Hats off to you. Really. This is some of the best writing I've seen on any fanfiction site. This is the work of a writer, not just a harry potter fan. After I read that, I just went 'wow'. I was so flattered. someone called me a real writer, that meant a lot to me.

I don't wnat to write fanfiction forever. I'd like to create my own characters someday, my own world. Still, all I want is to write and to have people like what I write and if right now the media available to me is fanfiction, then I'll do my best at it.

Update

2005-03-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

So, my life has been like crazy hectic lately. Lot's going on. Which means, I haven't been writing as much. Which sucks, since my writing is really important to me.

Though, the good news is that what writing I have been doing is on the bigger chapter stories that I'd been neglecting. I hope to have at least 5 finished in the next two or three months.

I'm make big progress in "The Girl Who Lived: The Chamber of Secrets". I'm past the halfway point, which is good, though I then still have 5 stories left to go....

I've also made big progress on "Of Dreams and Miracles", only like 4 or 5 chapters left to go at the most. Though, I've really fallen behind on posting it, so I need to catch up with that. Oops. I'll do a big post thurs or friday.

I've done some work on "This Life", "The Betrayed", "Whatever It Takes", and a couple of one-shots I'm working on all in the last week, so that's good. I just need to find the time to write, since the inspiration is there.

Isn't that how it works? When I have lots of time, I can't think of a single thing to write; when I have no time whatsoever, I have lots of inspiration. Oh, well, I never said that life didn't have a snese of humor.

The Reasons I Write

2005-03-17T06:41:00.000-08:00

I'm back again, I know two posts in the same day--wow. But mainly, because I wanted to post another story and I didn't think they should go in the same entry.

More Instant Star, what can I say? I totally love it. This one is also out of the current timeline, since I wrote this before Jamie and Kat got together. It's Jamie finding out about Tommy and Jude.

Okay, I'm totally obsessed with Tommy/Jude, I'll admit that now. I just love them together. They're so hot and I just think they have great chemistry and I think they'd be good together. Besides, they give me lots of room for my muse to work since they aren't together on the show and I bet it'll be a long time coming.

I'll admit that one of my favourite things about fanfiction is taking the path not taken in teh cannon. I write a lot of "what if" stories, I'm not doign that yet with Instant Star, but it's a possibiliy in the future. I also like it when a lot is left unexplained, so I can make my own explanations and take it in the path that I'd like to see.

The fanfiction writer in me was born by this tendancy to read something and go "that's nice, but...." and decide how I'd like to see it go, or what I thought they were really thinking, or even how I thought something got to be. I like to fill in the blanks and change things as I choose to change them, it's what made me start writing fanfiction so long ago.

This one here, I don't really change anything (except for Jamie not dating Kat in this one), but I still like taking things in the direction I want them in. That's the joy of fanfiction, so here it goes. Another new piece by me, aren't you lucky?

Revelation
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is a short, twisted piece. It's told from Jamie's PoV, but it's Jude/Tommy. I don't even know what the inspiration for this one is, it just came to me. It's creepy and weird, but I think it's works. That's all for now, enjoy!

Paring- Tommy/Jude, unrequited Jamie/Jude.

Spoilers- Nothing, really.

Summery- One moment can make everything crystal clear.

Rating- PG-13

It's a nightmare. It has to be.

Yet, it's not. It's real.

I'm standing here, watching Jude kiss little Tommy Q. I can't tear my eyes away from the sight.

They think they're alone, of course, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. After all, the point of having a secret relationship is to not be exposed.

I came looking for Jude to talk to her. At least, that's what I tell myself. I know I really came hoping to see what I'm seeing.

I wanted my suspicions confirmed.

I've known for a while now. Though, I kept hoping that I was wrong. But I knew I wasn't.

This is my proof.

It's horrifying, yet fascinating at the same time.

I'm fixated by the sight of them. They fit together.

It's not just a little peck, I'm witnessing. This is a full blown kiss, one heading for adult territory.

Jude's pressed up against a wall, her head thrown back. One of his hands is on her waist, pressing her into the wall, the other is pressed up against the wall for balance. One of her hands is on the back of his neck, the other is in his hair. I can see she has one foot on the ground and other leg is bent up in the air a bit, her knee between his legs.

They're so close, you couldn't put a piece of paper through them. They're lips are joined, of course, but so are the rest of their bodies. It's a very sexy sight, yet oh, so wrong.

She's sixteen. I think I'm going to throw up. What are they thinking?

Besides, the fact that the whole thing is very, very wrong, it's also stupid. They're in a stairwell at a club, don't they think they'll be caught? I mean, there are a lot of people around.

I don't think they really care at this moment, though. It certainly doesn't look like it.

They finally pull apart, but they're still touching.

She's still cradled under the weight of his body, pressed up against the wall. Their foreheads are touching and it's obvious that they're talking, though I can't hear what they're saying.

I know that I have to get out of here.

I can't let them see me. I can't deal with that scene, it would just be too much. Talk about train wreck.

I take one last glance and tear myself away.

I was only standing there for maybe a minute, but it was the longest minute of my life.

Long enough to kill all my dreams of Jude.

It doesn't change everything, I still love her. Seeing her kiss Tommy doesn't change that.

But it does drill home the fact that I'm not gonna get her. I can't compete with Tom Quincy.

More than that, I don't really want to. If that's the kind of guy that Jude wants, then I never had a chance.

The worst part is, I don't feel like I know her. The girl in the stairway isn't the Jude I know and love, she's someone else and entirely and Tommy can have her.

I'll always love Jude.

But one horrible moment of revelation showed me something very important. The Jude I love doesn't exist anymore.

The End

There, again that one's kind of twisted, I'll try to right some that aren't depressing and dark, but it's not relaly in my nature. Maybe, that's another reason I like writing, TV obviously has a barrier of how much darkness they can show and I like to press that barrier.

Dark and Twisted, yay!

2005-03-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

So, I'm still on this huge Instant Star kick, I love the show and it totally has my muse flowing, yay! I still havne't found a place to post my stories, though I'm debating the Misc. TV section had fanfiction.net, so until then, they're still going to go here.

As usual, my writing's kind of dark and depressing. This one is now out of cannon, but it totally spoke to me. What can I say, I like dark and depressing. I'm also still totally addicted to Tommy/Jude (they're so hot!)

The writing style of this one is weird, I flash back between the present and the past, though the past only happened like an hour before. It was just the way the story wanted to be told.

Shattered
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- Another really angsty depressing one. The style of this one is weird, it wasn't intentional, it's just the way it came to me. The plain text is Jude in her room, reflecting, the italics in between ~*~ is the fight between her and Tommy. It doesn't go from flash to the other, there is some stuff missing, it's just how she's remembering it. This was based on the promos for "Kiss Me Deadly" mainly the scene between Darius and Tommy and is set about a year down the road. Well, that's all, enjoy!

Summery- In one instant, one revealed truth, you can be shattered into a million pieces.

Pairing- Tommy/Jude, some Shay/Jude.

Spoilers- Up to "You Can't Get What You Want".

Rating- PG-13

Jude sat on her bed and sobbed.

If you looked at her, you'd see hurt and anger written all over her face. A thousand broken dreams reflected in her eyes.

So many things had been killed inside her in just one moment.

She had discovered what Tommy had done. He and Darius. They had purposely broken her and Shay up.

She had discovered it innocently enough, she had walked in and overheard the last bit of a telephone conversation.

It had been enough.

~*~
Jude knocked on Tommy's door, but no one answered, so she opened it herself.

She knew Tommy was here, since had told her to meet him, so she figured he was just on the phone or something. She knew that he wouldn't object to her letting herself in, she'd done it before.

She was about to call out that she was there, when she spotted Tommy on the phone. She smiled and moved closer, figuring she'd just wait until he was done.

He obviously didn't see her, but as she moved closer, she could hear what he was saying.

"It's done, D." He was saying confidently.

Jude frowned, he was talking to Darius. Why? Or at least why now, when Tommy was away from the studio?

"I'm sure." Tommy said after a moment, replying to something D must have said. "I can assure you that Jude barely even thinks about Shay anymore. Our plan worked."

The words made her feel physically sick to her stomach.

She had to be hearing it wrong or at least coming to the wrong conclusion. But what other conclusion was there?

She listened to what else Tommy was saying.

"Yeah, we're done here. It really was for the best, though I'm sure you're right and they wouldn't understand." He paused for second. "Yeah, you too man. Later."

Then he hung up the phone and turned around to see Jude standing there. The expression on his face was enough to confirm her worst suspicions.
~*~

That had been an hour before.

The confrontation that had followed had been ugly and nasty.

The whole truth had come out. How Darius and Tommy had schemed months earlier to break her and Shay up because they thought it was for the best.

She thought of all the messages she had left Shay that she knew now that he hadn't gotten and vice versa. The e-mails she'd tried to send. None of it had gotten through and now she understood why.

She also thought about the stories she'd heard, the gossip about Shay as soon as he and Darius had left. She had been hurt, both by the rumors and by his lack of contact.

She had assumed that Tommy had been right and that it had meant nothing. Now she wondered if Shay had gone through the same thing.

It didn't really matter, though. It was too late for them. She didn't feel the way she had about him.

A year was a long time when you're young.

But she wasn't sure how she felt about anything anymore. An hour ago, she had been in love with Tommy and now she could barely stand to look at him.

He had tried to explain, but it was useless. She hadn't wanted to hear his reasons.

She had known the real reason and it made it all worse.

~*~
"Jude, I did it for you." Tommy started, after she had gotten the details out of him.

Jude stood there, not even looking at him. Finally, she turned and glared at him, ice in her eyes.

"No, Tommy, you did it for you." She told him angrily. "You were jealous of what I had with Shay, but you couldn't just tell me how you felt, no you had to ruin something that had nothing to do with you."
~*~

She and Tommy had gotten together nine months before, three months after it had ended so abruptly with Shay.

She had been sixteen by then and things had seemed to change. Suddenly, her prince seemed to be returning her feelings and it was wonderful.

Until now. Learning what he had done tarnished everything.

She couldn't believe that he had been so underhanded. If he had talked to her, maybe it would have had the same outcome.

She was so crazy about Tommy, even when she had been seeing Shay, that she was pretty sure the outcome would be the same.

But no, Tommy hadn't bothered. He hadn't given her choice. He'd just decided what he wanted and took it, even if it meant messing up her life.

~*~
"You love me, Jude." Tommy reminded her. He reached out for her, but she avoided his touch. "The outcome would have been the same, no matter what."

"Yes." Jude admitted. "Probably. That's what makes it worse. Tommy, you didn't need to lie and manipulate. But the fact that you did..."

She shook her head.

"Don't you see, it changes everything." She whispered. "The fact that you had no problem doing something like that shows me that I didn't know you at all."

She paused, blinking back tears. "Yes, I love you, Tommy." She told him. "But at this moment, I can't stand you."
~*~

She wasn't sure where they stood. She didn't know if they could ever go back.

The idea that he had purposely ruined her relationship with Shay... It still made her nauseous.

She loved Tommy, she knew that, but she wasn't certain she could forgive him. He lied to her, he manipulated her. How could she forgive him for that? He'd had no right to interfere.

The worst part was, when it had seemed like Shay had suddenly dropped her, Tommy had been so wonderful. He'd comforted, wiped up her tears.

He'd been there for her and it was one of the things that made her feelings for him grow even deeper. And all along, he'd been the one to cause her pain.

That made it so much worse.

~*~
"He wasn't right for you, Jude." Tommy told her.

Jude glared at him. "What right do you have to decide that? It was my choice!"

She shook her head angrily. "There are a lot of people who think you're wrong for me, but you were still my choice." She informed him. "Though, now I think they might be right."

"Jude..." Tommy began. "You don't mean that."

"I don't know what I mean." Jude told him angrily. "I just know that you're not who I thought you were."
~*~

She knew that part of the fault was hers.

She'd had some pretty unrealistic fantasies about Tommy. She made him into her perfect prince, eventually he was going to fall off the pedestal.

But she didn't think he'd fall this far.

She wondered how big an idiot she really was. She felt like such a fool, which was stupid since she wasn't the one to screw up.

But she just felt like she had been so blinded by Tommy. She never even had a clue.

She started to cry harder, she had been so sure that his had been her fairy tale. Well, apparently she had been wrong and fairy tales didn't happen.

She and Tommy might be able to put things back together, if it was real love, but maybe they wouldn't. Maybe this had broken them forever.

At this point she honestly didn't know. All she knew was that her illusion had been shattered and it hurt like Hell.

The End

I really like the stuff I'm coming with for this show, even if it is kind of twisted. It's digging at my muse and getting me writing in a way I haven't for a while.

It might seem strange to some people, but that dark, twisted level is always what I was good at and I hadn't been reaching it in a while. I had been writing, but it was more shallow, so even if it's kind of creepy, I'm glad I'm getting my old style back.

Go With the Flow

2005-02-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I watched Instant Star tonight and again I was totally inspired to write. Weirdly, even though tonight's episode was in a total different vein, I'm still totally into Jude/Tommy.

I can definity see the chemistry and even despite the new twist, I can still see the relationship happening. Besides, I get some nice angst out of it. I like angst.

I can't wait to start writing again. It's weird how inspired this shows make me. It wasn't too long ago that when I sat down to write, nothing came out, so I really am psyched--no matter what the cause of the inspiration.

I wouldn't mind writing some Sadie pieces. I think she could be an interesting character. Though, I still don't want to see her end up with Tommy. Hmmm, I should start on that.

Here's one that I've already finished. Since there's no where else, I thought I'd put them here for now. Jude/Tommy, of course.

Ritual
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just drabble. Less than 500 words (not counting my notes), it came to me in an instant. I have no idea why I'm writing Instant Star fan fiction, but I can't help it. This is Tommy/Jude (yes, I know it's wrong and illegal, but I can't help it) and is set sometime in the future. That's all, enjoy!

Summery- Every time, their actions are the same.

Rating- PG-13

She'll go on stage in a few minutes.

Another gig, another preparation to make her the biggest name in music.

The two of them are alone backstage for a few minutes, which tends to be the routine.

She remembers that first gig and how she tried to kiss him with disastrous results.

Things have changed in the last year.

This time, when she leans over and presses her lips against his, Tommy doesn't stand there in horrified shock. He presses her close for a moment, letting the kiss deepen.

When he finally pushes her away, he's smiling. "Not here, Jude." He tells her, like he does every time.

He's constantly warming her that they're going to get caught, but she doesn't care.

"Jude, I need you!" E.J calls from somewhere. Jude ignores her for a moment and looks at Tommy.

"Later?" She asks, though it's not really a question.

"If I can swing it." He tells her.

She nods, understanding the rules and limitations. They can't be together as much as they'd like, because in the eyes of everyone else this is wrong.

"Jude, get out here, it's almost time!" E.J hollers.

Jude rolls her eyes. "It's time. Wish me luck."

"You don't need luck." He told her. "I said it before and I'll say it again, you're it girl. You're the real thing and you're going to be big. Now go knock 'em dead."

This was part ritual as well.

She grins at him and grabs her guitar as she saunters on stage. She's done this many times before and each time it becomes easier than the last.

She's not a child anymore, somewhere along the line she's become a woman, as he well knows.

He maneuvers his way into the crowd and watches her on the stage. She's the real thing, she's got what it takes. The powerful rhythm, the moving lyrics. She sings from the heart and that's what captured his.

Tonight, he'll find a way, make some excuse. Some sort of celebration, offer to take her out for a bite of eat. Anything to be alone with her for a little while.

The lies come easily, since it's the only way. Once this is over, they'll be together for too short a time and then he'll bring her home and they'll go back to pretending there's nothing between them.

It's the same old act.

Another night, another gig, but the emotions are the same and so are the actions. They've done this many times before and he's sure that before this thing between them is over they'll do it many more.

Because that's just the way it is.

- End

It sort of ties in with a couple my others, but at the same time not really. Well, I'm off to go work on new pieces. Maybe I'll start that Sadie piece...

Progress

2005-02-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

I've been writing a lot lately, which is good. I made serious progress on Whatever It Takes, Of Dreams and Miracles and The Girl Who Lived: The Chamber of Secrets, I just have to post the new chapters.

I also have several new short Instant Star stories. I don't know what it is about this show that fascinates me, but I was just motivated to write. Even if the pairing I like disturbs me to no end.

I have this weird fascitation with Tommy/Jude, even though the very concept disturbs me. I mean, as a rule I disaprove of the idea of 22 year-olds and 15 year-olds. It's just kind of icky. But that doesn't stop me from being inspired to write about that particular pairing.

Here's one of the new stories I've come up with. I think it's pretty good for what it is. I don't know what my new obsession with present tense is, but I've noticed I've been using it a lot. I assume it's a fad that will go away soon.

Real
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Note- All right, I'm kind of obsessive about Instant Star. Even after only two episodes, I love the show. In fact, my only problem with it is the fact that she's 15, becuase I'm totally into Jude/Tommy, despite the wrongness. That said, this is another Jude/Tommy piece, I have quite a lot of those. What can I say, I write what I'm inspired to write. Well, that's all, enjoy.

Pairing- Tommy/Jude.

Summery- She's thought about kissing Tommy, but now that's it happening she can't believe it's real.

Spoilers- Up to "Come As You Are".

Rating- PG

Jude's thought a lot about kissing Tommy.

She has a crush on him, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She just can't help it, she's drawn to him. She thinks about what it would be like to kiss him, to really kiss him and have him kiss her back.

She knows she's too young, but she still can't help thinking about it. About him. She's especially thinking about it now, because he's right there beside her.

They're working on a new song. Not at the pier this time, they don't want to end up in Talk National again. This time Tommy takes her to his place.

She knows that she shouldn't read anything into it, but she's still psyched. They work on the song and as always she feels the connection between them. They make great music together.

They're on his couch. She can't believe they're in his living room.

His hand brushed her face by accident and she turns to really look at him, the guitar still in her hands. They can't tear their eyes away. She lets go of her guitar and it falls into her lap.

Tommy gently takes it from her and puts it down. They're eyes are still locked.

She leans in and so does he. Their lips meet. It's not like the last time they kissed. Where she kissed him and it was a disaster and a bad idea.

This is a real kiss. It's like melting. Or at least that's what it feels like to Jude. Tommy's one hand is in her hair and the other is on her back, her arms are around his neck.

It's a long kiss.

Finally they pull away, because they have to breath.

Tommy runs his hand through his hair. "What am I doing?" He mutters. "You're fifteen."

"Almost sixteen." She points out softly.

"It's still too young." He comments. "I'm seven years older than you, Jude."

She knows that, but she also knows how he makes her feel. SHe leans in to kiss him again. He responds and the kiss deepens.

He pulls away from her. "I shouldn't be doing this." He mutters, then he sighs. "I know it's wrong, but God help me, I can't stop."

They kiss again. A deep, passionate kiss. She's never been kissed like this before.

She can't believe it's happening. It's real. She's kissing Tommy. It's all she ever dreamed and more.

Because it's real.

The End

So there you go, an example of what I'm currently working on. Just short drabble. Nothing of substance, but cute none the less.

New Year's Resoloutions, Part2

2005-01-01T20:11:00.001-08:00

Well, it's the New Year. Thankfully. This hasn't been a great year for me as a person or as a writer. My writing really suffered this past year. Mostly due to personal events in my life. After my father's death, I wasn't able to write. Nothing would come to me for almost three months after he died.

In time, I got my writing back. But, it's not up to it's usual par. I've been so busy that I haven't been able to write as much as I'd like. And even when I do write, most of it's not as good as I'd like. I blame it on stress and being so busy, but a part of it is a lack of motivation. I've had no real desire to write lately, though that is changing.

Mainly, it's because I've been exploring my other interests. I've been painting and drawing, cooking, things that I also love. But as much as I enjoy those things, writing is a part of my very essence. Even if I have been neglecting it lately.

It's a New Year and that means, New Year's Resoloutions. On my other blog, I posted my personal resoloutions. Now, it's time for my writing resloutions.

1. Write More. I've been neglecting to my writing, even when I do have the time. So I've resolved to spend at least an hour a day writing. It doesn't have to be substantial things, but just getting stuff on to "paper". If I start really writing, then the ideas will come and we'll go from there.

2. Finish Old Work. I'm terrible about having multiple unfinished stories. I start one and then get bored and abandon it for the rest of time. I have 55 stories in progress at the moment and that only includes the stories where more than one chapter is complete and, in most cases, posted somewhere. I also have a ton of stories where the first chapter (or whole story if it's a one-shot) have just been begun. My goal is to have as many of those stories as possible finished by the end of the year.

3. Update More Often. I have some wonderful, loyal people who actually read my work and I'm sure I frustrate them with how rarely I post. Most of it I'll blame on the fact that htmling takes a lot of work, as I have to switch from OSX to OS9 since I havne't figured out how to html in OSX. I'll admit it. Also I've been having computer problems as late, so haven't wanted to risk the switch. But part of it is just that I'm really, really lazy. I haven't wanted to make the effort and I'll try to change that. I'll do my best to start updating at least twice a month.

So, there we have it. My writing resoloutions for the next year. Hopefully I'll be able to keep them and by the end of the year I'll more productive. Wouldn't that be nice?

Writer's Block

2004-12-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

I've been on a writing slump lately. The ideas are there, I'm just having a hard time getting them out and creating anything of substance out of them.

Natually, I'm frustrated. I hate it when the ideas won't come out the way I want them to. Espeically, since I've almost finished "Of Dreams and Miracles". I really need to catch up with my posts of that story...

I've written little bits of a few storis, but it's been a while since I got a full chapter finished. I mean, I'm not worried, because slumps like this come and go, but it does frustrate me because writing is my life. It's my passion.

Did finish a short story recently. Not to sure about it, though. It needs another serious editing, I do believe. I'm going to let it sit a little while and then take another good look at it and do whatever work needs to be done. That's generally what I do.

I think one of the reasons for the slump is my lack of time. In the past, I've always had plenty of time to spend at the computer, but these days time is a precious commodity. I never seem to have enough of it. I figure once I have some to breath and just sit down at my computer and pour my thoughts out, the muse'll come back to me. Or at least, that's what I hope.

Recycling Plots, Over and Over Again

2004-11-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

I decided that I enjoy picking apart my old work. So once again, I dug some stuff out of the archives. Three stories, actually. All Buffy stories, all with basically the same plot just told through the different character's minds though they don't intersect at all.

One thing I've noticed about my old work is that I reused the same scenario a lot. I still do that sometimes, like with my Harry Potter stories--how many times have I killed either Harry or Hermione off and had the survivor reflect? But, at least I do it well there, I'm not sure I did with my Buffy stories.

Here's one example. The plot is that all the Scooby Gang is gone excpet one survivor, the narrator. I tell this story multiple times. Today, I look at three such stories. One from Willow's PoV, one from Cordelia, and illogically one from Buffy's.

The One Time Left Behind
By Michelle

There comes a point where each season is alike, where you don't notice when months pass by.

I've come to that point. To me time stopped a long time ago.

Okay, the opening isn't half bad. I actually kind of like that. But I'm an angst freak, always have been, probably always will be.

No, that's not true.

It kept moving, but it left me behind. As the rest of the world moved on I was stuck in the past, unable to let go.

There was too much death, too much pain, too much loss for me be able to let go. Whenever I try, I see them. They're with me still.

But it's different now.

I'm 49 this year, they're still young.

Still I see them.

In my mind they come to me, one at a time.

This fic may actually be better than I remember it being. There's nothing awful about it yet. It's a little melodramtic and darkly depressing, but that's pretty much my thing.

First comes a woman of over a millennium with the appearance of a 20 year-old. I see the demon she had been and the innocent she was. I hated her for so long, but eventually I came to call her a friend.

Anya.

Next I see the man who loved her. In his eyes I see a childhood play mate, a first love, and a man who grew to be brave and true, then died at 21. He represents the distant past, a time of innocence.

Xander. Actually, I like that paragraph. It's hauntingly bittersweet, which is fairly appropriate for teh subject matter.

Then I see a raven haired beauty. I see the vulnerability that I was blind to for so long, I see her secret struggle, I see the dreams of stardom, I see the heart broken twice, and I see her death at the hands of a common mugger at only 19. She grew so much in that last year and it hurts even more to think of her gone forever.

Cordelia.

After her is a man in his forties. He wears tweed and has befuddled look on his face, in his eyes is a look of patience and kindness. I also see the children he never had, and the ones that were his in his heart at least.

Giles. Again, not a bad section. It could have more emotion though, but this was written an awful long time ago and then rewritten some point after that.

I see a woman in her thirties. A dark-eyed gypsy who paid the ultimate price for betrayal, but gave the ultimate gift. She was my mentor, she left me a curiosity for her gift.

Jenny. Again, it should have more depth. More emotion.

There's a woman a little bit older. A mother, an unwilling participant in our would, a woman who never could understand the world her daughter lived in. She was a mother to us all, so much more than our own, and she died for her daughter as we all would have.

Joyce. I know that's not how she died in the show. But this is fiction, besides I don't think she was dead yet when I wrote this.

I see a child, with innocence and bright hopes. A child unaware of her own terrifying destiny and whose potential was never fulfilled. She was all of ours sister and the truth of who she was didn't matter to us, we loved her just the same.

Dawn. I wrote this story before the "Gift". Actaully, I wrote it before the 5th season, but then rewrote it to include Dawn and Tara.

I see another young man, this one with often-changing hair. In his eyes I see a love that I carry with me still, I see plans that were never fulfilled, and I see the beast he tried to keep inside, but that eventually drove us apart. He represents those long gone dreams, a time that I can't forget.

Oz. That part is definitly lacking in emotion. She'd have way more emotion when speaking about someone she loved that much. I'm not sure if it was depth I had a problem with, or Willow-depth, she was never my favourite character, though I did try a few times to try and capture her essence.

I see a young woman, with a gentle spirit and a quiet nature. In her I see compassion, tenderness, and love. Her love wasn't the same as the one that I had known before, but it was good and it made me feel safe. In the end she left me too, but I'll never forget, she'll always be part of me.

Tara. Written long before she died on the show. I wasn't even watching at that point. I can't really fault myself for the lack of depth here, because I wasn't really watching the show by the time Tara was on it and I never really had much use for her character.

I see a bleached blonde vampire. In his eyes I see a love he shouldn't have possessed, I see two-hundred years of evil deeds, and I see the fact that he died for his enemy. Some how along the way he changed and he became one of us.

Spike.

I see a young man in his early twenties. I see a love that could only ever be second best, I see the fact that he loved her despite of that. He died for her, because that's all he could do.

Riley. I hated Riley.

I see a man who looks in his twenties, but is really centuries old, and who is haunted by his past. In his eyes I see a lifetime of regret, I see a curse that brought of him both joy and pain, I see a love that he couldn't stop, and I see a pure soul. He finally found his redemption, just in the way that none of us thought he would.

Angel. Some good depth there. Maybe because Angel was always one of my favourites. Still, that wasn't a great paragraph. Nothing about this story is great. Though, it's not bad either.

And lastly I see her. I see a girl forever surrounded by youth and golden beauty. In her eyes I see an innocence taken from her at 16, I see a love that she tried to deny, I see a loyal soul, and I see a destiny that couldn't be avoided. Life was never kind to her, not until the end.

Ugh, that's sappy. I was definitely into overly-poetic writing, as you can probably tell. No such things as too much angst and melodrama for me.

They're all there in the shadow land. The problem is they're so young, they represent what I left behind.

I grew up and they never will.

Even after all these years they're still the way they were. To me they're still real, even though their time ended long ago.

It's all I left.

The memories of my life before time left me behind.

The End

I don't hate this story. I'm not in love with it and think it's much, much too sappy, but... It's not all that bad. Especially since Willow is not a character I was ever able to really connect with.

Onto the next attempt at the same plot. This time it's Cordelia. A character who I used a lot in my stories and constantly tried to change from the cannon. I really wanted her to have more depth and substance than she ever really did.

Sometimes
By Michelle

The future's a scary thing, but sometimes the past is scarier.

Sometimes you're tied to it, unable to let go or move on. After a time you begin to wonder when everything changed.

Sometimes I forget how long it's been. I forget the years that have gone by since my youth.

I'm 37 and I'm the last I'm my closest friends. We all fought the good fight and they all died heroically.

Again, not a bad beginning. A little sappy, but... Also, very short and lacking in depth.

I close my eyes, only for a moment
And the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes
A curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is
Dust in the wind

I like song fics. I really, really do.

It's been 21 years since I learnt vampires existed, but sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if things had been different. But I'm never to know. You're not meant to know what could have been.

I've tried to move on but I don't think I've succeeded. I've lost too much to move on.

Maybe that's why I'm here, or maybe not. Maybe I'm just here because I still think of them sometimes.

Not all the time, sometimes I forget all that's happened. But not usually. Usually I can't forget. After all they were the closest thing to family I ever had.

Now they're gone.

Same old songs, just a drop of water
In an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground
Though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is
Dust in the wind

A little bit repetive.

It's dark now and I'm sure I'm a strange sight. I'm a lone woman walking in an abandoned graveyard after dark carrying a large bag and several flowers.

I walk to my main destination slowly, stopping every once in a while to lay down a rose.

I stop for a second each time, thinking about the people who are lost to me.

Jenny.

Giles.

Willow.

Oz.

Xander.

Even Anya.

Angel and Doyle aren't here, but they still mean something to me.

Or at least they did. It's been a long time.

This could have more depth and less melodrama. One advantage to the Willow fic, it had more depth. This one just seems rather lacking.

Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever
But the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money wouldn't
Another minute buy

I finally get to the last grave.

I think of them all, but I think of her the most.

Sometimes I even cry when I think of all that passed her by. I don't cry for the others, not anymore, but sometimes I still cry for her.

She could have had so much, but destiny wouldn't allow it.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had been the slayer instead. But we're not meant to know.

Cordelia as the slayer. Shudder. I know this one of those times when I messed with Cordelia's character, but then I do that a lot.

Dust in the wind, all we are is
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

I stand there for a long time, not that time has any meaning now, then I finally pull myself away.

It's so hard to come here, it makes me remember what was lost.

Everything crumbled away and sometimes I wonder why.

The End

My main complaints are that the story lacks substance or real emotion. It's also very reptetive and melodramatic. The Willow story was by-far superior.

Lastly, we have my Buffy story. Improbable, but....

Forgotten
By Michelle

I am the last.

The last of a legacy.

The last slayerette.

I knew it would hurt to be the last, but I never expected it to hurt this much. Or for me to be the last.

But I am.

Not as solid a beginning as the other two. In fact, it could be way, way better. It lacks depth, detail or emotion. And it's rather sappy and over-done, but a lot of my work is.

I’ve watched them all die. I’ve seen so much. Too much.

Sunnydale’s a safer place now, not the way it used to be. Which is good. It’s what we fought for. What so many of us died for.

I try to forget.

But I can’t. Everywhere I go I see them, see reminders of the life I’ve left behind.

The world’s a safer place now, no such thing as vampires or demons. They're gone, we stopped them.

I’m glad. But I wish it had come sooner, if it had maybe things would have been different for us.

Did I ever mention that I have a problem with reptetion? All this is kind of blah and lacking of depth or real emotion.

Maybe I wouldn’t be haunted by terrifying memories. The worst ones aren’t the ones reliving their deaths, but the ones when I remember the happy times.

Cordelia and Xander’s glowing faces on their wedding day.

The pride on Oz’s face when he told us all he had a son.

Willow’s glowing face when she told me she was having a baby.

Giles and my mom’s quiet and beautiful wedding.

The look of total love on Angel’s face as I walked up the alter to him.

Those are the worst part. The reminders of how happy we were.

Needs more depth and more substance. Let's see: Maybe then I would be haunted by terrible, heart-breaking memories.

The worst memories, the ones that haunt me the most, aren't of their deaths, but of their lives. It's the memories of the good times that break my heart.

I can't help but cry when I think of how happy Cordelia and Xander were on their wedding day. They had so many plans for their future. The future that they never got to have.

Or when I think about how Willow's face when she told me she was pregnant. I'd never seen her that happy. Just like I'd never seen Oz as proud as he was when Zachary was born.

It's almost as bad as thinking about my mother and Giles and the love they found together. I remember their quiet, but beautiful wedding and it's all I can do not to scream for the injustice of it all.

But the pain of all those memories pales in comparison to how much it hurts to remember Angel and how happy we were for so short a time. My hearts break all over again whenever I think of the look on his face as I walked up the alter to him, we had overcome so many odds to get there and it was so perfect, and the look of joy and love on his face took my breath away.

Those memories are far more painful than the ones of their deaths. Because they remind me that for a moment, we were all happy and then that happiness was ripped away from us.

Not great. But better. Which of course is the product of many years of writing. After all, I wrote this story when I was 16 or 17 and now I'm 21. I've had lot's of practice.

It isn’t fair, I was the slayer. I should have been the one to die.

Not them, not the innocents.

Fate plays it’s cruel jokes. I get to live, to have my normal life.

But I have to live with all the pain.

With the memories.

My victory is an empty one, for there’s nobody to share it with.

Ugh. As I said, this very shallow and despressive and not very good. It needs more depth and less reption.

I just want it to be over. It will be soon. It has to be, I can't go on like this. I never thought I’d commit suicide, but I think I will. What other choice do I have? I can’t live this life anymore. It’s not even living.

I’m empty, hollow. I should have died years ago, in a way I did. My heart died when Angel died. Now it’s time for my body to join it. I am the last, and soon I will be gone.
And our world will be gone.

Did I mention this is depressing? And sappy?

The truth of what happened will die with me, maybe it’s better that way. The world’s not ready for a story like that.

No one is.

I wasn’t.

Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe it’s better that everything we lived and worked for will be gone.

Will be forgotten.

The End

Not great writing. This has a lot of room for improvement. Not that I'm in any mood to improve it, but maybe I should... If I get really bored, there's an idea, rewrite all my old stories. That wouldn't take a me a few years.

So, there you have it three stories, with basically the same plot. One's not actually all that badly written, the second one's okay, and the third is kind of blah. But they are also very similar, for all that the Willow-one is better written than the other two. So, there's no real reason for all three stories to exist, since one would do the job.

Ghost of Fanfics Past

2004-11-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've been reading over some of my older works and first I have to say, I've written a lot of bad fanfiction over the years. My earlier stuff as a whole, is not that good, though certainly not terrible. But reading it, I can certainly see where I've improved.

But that's not that surprising. I was fifteen when I wrote my first fanfiction, one would hope that six years later I'd have improved at least slightly. Six years, that seems impossible to me. How could I have been doing this for six years?

In that six years I've written more stories than I choose to count and changed fandoms multiple times. After all, that first story was a Buffy fanfic and that's a fandom I've long abandoned. Days, Charmed, Xena. Other fandoms I've since abandoned. My muse takes me wherever my interest currently is.

I've decided to post some of my very old fanfics here and give them critical look. I'll start with the first fanfiction I ever wrote "As the Years Go By", a Cordelia piece. It was not brilliant, though not bad for a first work.

As The Years Go By
By Michelle

Many years ago someone, I can't remember who, said that of all your memories there'll be one you'll never forget. It may fade in time, but it'll always be there. I think the person was my mother.

Anyway, she said it'll either be a memory of a happy time or of something
that changed your life forever.

Mine is of a day long ago, a day our worlds shattered. When I say our I mean us, the group of us chosen to help the slayer in her fight. We weren't chosen the same way as her, but in a different way.

When I think of my teens I divide them into two parts, Before The Spring Fling of 1997 and after. Even the after I have to divide into before we lost her and after.

Let me tell you about that day I still see so clear, the day the darkness claimed one more.

Okay, the beginning could be worse, I suppose. I actually kind of like the part about memories. Though, I think the first part is a little flowery. But a lot of what I write is, so...

I remember that I was dancing with Xander and Willow was just staring at Oz, who was across the table from her. He was staring at her back. Angel ran into The Bronze. He looked around and the worried look on his face beckoned us to him.

That whole paragraph is a little awkward. The phrasing and such could be better.

"Where's Buffy?" He asked, his voice breaking. I remember my heart skipping a beat. What if something had happened to her? By the time I tuned back into the conversation, they had decided to look for her. Xander clutched my hand for support and I gave it to him.

The winter here is cold and bitter,
it's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
to long too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking,
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low.

I wrote too many song fics back then and most of them wer set to Sarah McLachlan. The song isn't a perfect fit for the story, but it's not weirdly out of place either, I suppose.

I was the first to see her. We couldn't find her any where and Willow suggested the park. Sure enough, there she was lying on the ground.

The worst part was that she wasn't dead when we found her. Even after all this time I still can't decide whether it was good or bad that she was still alive when we found her. Maybe it was good because we got to say goodbye, but it made us hurt more. We weren't prepared to actually see her die.

Very repetitive, I know. It's something I still have a problem with.

I think we all thought that one day we find her body then deal, grieve and move on, that's how I thought it would happen. I mean we all knew that she probably wouldn't make it to graduation, but we weren't ready. None of us, and I don't think we ever would've been.

Could there be a more awkward paragraph? Ouch. That one hurts to read. I suppose it should be more like: I think we all imagined that one day we'd just find her body and then be forced to deal with it. That we'd grieve and then move on. That's how I always thought it would happen. I mean we all knew that she probably wasn't going to make it to Graduation. We all knew that she was going to die young and that it would probably be in our near future, but knowing and accepting are two different things. None of us were ready for it to actual happen. I don't think there was enough preparation in the world that would have made us be ready.

Angel gathered her gently in his arms, then she weakly called us all towards her.

"Wow, this is how it ends," she said, looking at each of us in turn, "I want you guys to know I love you all, in different ways. Xander, you like a brother. Willow and Cordeila as sisters and my best friends ever. Oz you were becoming like a sturdy big brother to me too." Her voice was soft and breaking with her tears.

Then she turned to look up at Angel. "And Angel, I love you as my true love, because you were. Tell my mom, Ms.Calender and Giles how much I love them. And Angel don’t even think about making me into a vampire, it’s time. My time's run out. They say in the Bible there's a time for every thing under the heaven. I guess mine's finally over. Goodbye."

She reached up and kissed Angel one last time, it was the sweetest, purest kiss I've ever seen. Then she left us. Our sweet Buffy left us.

Oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.
I know I could love you much better than this,
full of grace,
full of grace,
my love.

So it's better this way, I said,
having seen this place before.
where everything we said and did,
hurts us all the more.

We all lost it, in different ways. Willow fell to the ground sobbing, and a tearful Oz comforted her. Xander just stood there, frozen, not allowing us to comfort him. Angel still held her in his arms, he was crying "Nooooooooooooooo" over and over.

I think loosing her was hardest on him. We just had to live without a friend, he had to live without his soul mate. And I was just standing there refusing to let myself think about her being gone.

Ouch. That whole part is very juvenile and lacking true depth. It's also very out of character. Both what Buffy's saying and the way Cordelia is narrating. I'm not as true to the characters as I should have been.

The style and shallowness is what bothers me the most looking back. I write the scene without any real emotion, without exploring the depths of pain, the ravages of grief. But, Hell, I was fifteen then and not experienced with either of those things.

In the same old sickly skin,
I'm pulled down by the undertow.
I never thought I could feel so low,
Oh darkness I feel like letting go.

If all the strength,
and all of the courage,
come and lift me from this place.
I know I could love you much better than this,
It's better this way.

It's been over 10 years since that day. Giles died of a heart attack 17 hours after Buffy's death. Willow and Oz married and had a daughter Elizabeth whom they call Buffy, named in honour of what the books say was the strongest slayer in history.

Angel asked Kendra to dust him, and she did right over Buffy's grave. They're together now. Mrs. Summers never found out the truth and she moved away from Sunnydale after Buffy died saying, "It's to hard. There are too many memories here."

Ms.Calender never married and was killed by a vampire 3 years ago. She's buried next to Giles. I'm glad that like Buffy and Angel they're together in death, because they loved each other the same way.

Kendra was killed months after Buffy. After she died the few of us left distanced ourselves from the slaying game. At least we tried.

The night before we were supposed to be married Xander was attacked and killed by a vampire. I gave birth to our son, Alexander Harris Chase, 7 months later. Xander never even knew I was pregnant.

I was definitely a drama queen back then. Killing off most of the characters in a short time span. What can I say, I've never liked happy endings.

After all this time I've realized as much I try I'll never forget the night it all started to crumble, though now I can say goodbye to her. I never could before.

Goodbye dearest Buffy. I believe in my heart that they're all together, Buffy, Angel, Giles, Ms.Calender, Kendra, and Xander, and that they're waiting for the rest of us to join them. Until then I will remember them with all the emotion they deserve.

The End

Okay. Let's see, most of my problems with the story are with the lack of substance. There's no depth anywhere. No real emotion. The whole plot and situation is very trite. The charchter's are also out of character.

I mean, it's not a bad story, per say, but it's not great by any strech of the imagination either. Lot's of room for improvement. First of all, I probably shouldn't have killed off most of the characters and I should have given it more depth and feeling.

Still, for a first effort, it could have been worse, I'm sure.

Whatever It Takes

2004-10-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

"Of Dreams and Miracles" is still coming to me really quickly, but the other day I realized how much it changed from my original concept. It's a totally different story than I thought it would be and my original idea is still lingering in my mind.

So, I started writing it down and came up with a very different story. Same basic concept, an older daughter of Herb Brooks is there to watch the Miracle on Ice unfold, but despite that it's not the same story. The daughter's not even the same, I love Elizabeth as I created her, but Alexandra is shaper-tongued and more fiery, thus making all the relationships different.

Still, I'm a little hestiant about posting two very similar stories, so I thought I'd post the first chapter here before I decide what I'm going to do with it. I like this story, almost as much as I like "Of Dreams and Miracles".

So here it is, the first part of "Whatever It Takes".

//Whatever It Takes
By Misha

Part One- Tryouts

Early July, 1979

Alexandra Brooks stood in one of the boxes, looking down at the hockey players skating around on the ice below her.

It was the first day of tryouts for the 1980 Olympic team. Alexandra looked at her father, Herb Brooks, who was going to coach the team.

"What do you think Lexi?" Herb asked her, looking up from a piece of paper that he was busy writing stuff down on.

Alexandra shrugged. "I think they all look pretty good, but then I think you already know which ones you want and this is just for show."

"Very good." Herb told her. "You're right of course."

"Of course." Alexandra agreed, with a slight smile. "Daddy, I've only lived with you for twenty-one years. I know how you think."

Herb just nodded. "That's why I want you along for this, Lexi. You know me, you know how I think, but you also know the players or can get to know them. I think you can be a big help."

Alexandra nodded. "I said I'd help you and I meant it, besides I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing."

Alexandra turned her attention to the ice and to the boys skating on it.

She loved hockey, loved to watch it, loved to play it. Not that she had ever gotten really the chance.

Her mother, or rather stepmother, didn't think that girls should play hockey.

Herb's first wife Laura, the mother who Alexandra had gotten her thick auburn hair and big green eyes from, had died when Alexandra was two years old. Herb had met Patti three years later and the two had gotten married when Alexandra was seven.

Patti was the only mother that Alexandra had ever known, even if they didn't see eye to eye on everything. Like hockey.

Of course, Patti hated everything to do with the sport, which was the real reason Alexandra had never been allowed to play anything more than the occasional pickup game.

Patti had put her in skating lessons though, since figure skating was appropriate, so Alexandra wasn't resentful about never being allowed to play hockey.

As long as she could skate, she as happy, besides hockey was still a part of her life through her father. She had been hanging out in hockey rinks all her life and the last few years, she had taken to helping her father out at the U, where she was a student, though she was taking a year off before completing her degree.

She was bored with school. That was one of the reasons her father had offered her a job on the coaching staff, because she didn't have anything else to do and he knew she could do it.

Just then Herb's assistant coach, Craig Patrick entered the box.

"So Doc cleared him, he says it's just a sprain." Craig told Herb, referring to a player who had been hurt at the beginning of the tryout.

"That's good," Herb said, looking down at his piece of paper.

"I just wanted you to know how much I'm looking forward to coaching with you." Craig told him.

Alexandra smirked, knowing that by Lake Placid he'd be singing a different tune. Her father was not an easy man to work with by any stretch of the imagination.

"You were one hell of a player, Craig," Herb admitted, looking up. "You're gonna make one hell of a Coach."

Craig looked pleased.

"I'm going to need you to get to know these boys, stick tight with them." Herb continued. "You and Lexi both, I need you guys to be their friend and find out any problems brewing and come to me with the big ones."

Craig looked confused. "

Dad doesn't get involved personally." Alexandra clarified for them. "He says he's less effective as a coach if he's too friendly with the players."

"Ah." Craig said, as Herb handed him the piece of paper. "What's this?"

"Twenty-six names," Herb answered. "The tough part is going to be getting it down to twenty before opening ceremony."

"This is the final roster?" Craig asked, his mouth open in disbelief. "You're kidding me, right? This is our first day, Herb. We've got a week of this. You're missing some of the best players."

Alexandra suppressed a grin. She knew what was coming and wasn't disapointed.

"I'm not looking for the best players, Craig, I'm looking for the right ones." Herb answered, just as Alexandra had known he would.

"You have Jim Craig to back up Steve Janaszak?" Craig asked, obviously surprised, as he scanned the list.

"Other way around." Herb said casually.

"Other way around? I'm sorry didn't Janaszak just win you a National Championship?" Craig asked, obviously confused.

"This isn't the Nationals that you're playing for." Alexandra answered for her father. "Jannie's a good goaltender, he's solid, but not spectacular."

Craig ignored her and focused on Herb. "You know everyone I've talked to says Craig's game has been off since his mother died."

"Did they ever see him when his game was on?" Herb asked him.

"What about the advisory staff?" Craig continued, not answering Herb's question. "Aren't they supposed to have a say in this?"

"Technically." Herb answered.

"Which means yes, but that he doesn't give a damn." Alexandra said pertly.

"Watch your mouth." Herb scolded, but didn't bother deny her accusation.

Alexandra smirked. "See?"

Later that afternoon, Craig gathered the players to read off Herb's list.

Alexandra sat at the very back as he did so, just observing.

She knew a lot of the boys on the list and the ones she didn't know personally, she knew of. None of the names surprised her and she knew exactly why her father had picked the players that he had.

She picked out the faces as the names were called, seeing the various expressions of relief and excitement that crossed each boys face as his name was called.

"Eurizione." Craig called out, getting to the last name on the list. And that's the roster for now. The rest of you, thanks for coming out."

The majority of the boys got up and walked out of the arena, obviously crestfallen. The remaining hockey players began greeting one another.

Alexandra's eyes fell on one in particular. Robbie McClannahan. A grin spread over her face at the sight of him.

She had known, of course, that Robbie would try out for the team and had been 90% sure even going into the tryouts that he'd make the team. But that hadn't stopped her from being relieved when Craig called out his name.

"Take a good look around boys." Hearing her father's voice broke her out of her reverie. She tore her gaze from Robbie as Herb came down the stairs. "'Cause they're the ones getting off easy. We're putting a few of you on reserve, in case someone gets injured or their game goes to hell. The final roster will have twenty names on it, so more of you are going home. Give ninety-nine percent and you'll make my job very, very easy. I'll be your coach, I won't be your friend. Over there is my daughter Alexandra, she'll be helping us out these next few months, she might be your friend, it's up to her. Otherwise if you need one of those you can talk to Doc or Coach Patrick."

After making his speech, Herb turned around and left again.

"Congratulations," Craig told the crowd, breaking the silence that had descended. "Before you go pick up one of these. You've got a little homework to do before you celebrate."

The boys all made their way to the front and then began to exit.

Robbie was one of the last to leave and he stopped by Alexandra on his way out. "Hey gorgeous."

"Hey you." Alexandra said standing up.

Robbie pulled her towards him and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "So a bunch of us are going out tonight to celebrate, you going to come?"

"I'll think about it." Alexandra teased. "I might have a date with my other boyfriend, you know."

"Oh, him." Robbie answered in the same tone of voice. "Well, then."

Alexandra laughed. "I'll meet you there."

"Great." Robbie said, he gave her the name of the bar they were all meeting at and then disappeared.

Alexandra shook her head and exited the arena.

Her father was waiting by the car. "What took you so long?" He asked her.

"I ran into Robbie." She replied as she got into the car.

"Of course." Herb said, as he got into the driver side.

Alexandra suppressed a smile, her father had never approved of her dating Robbie.

"Keep it away from the rink." He warned her now.

"I will." Alexandra promised. "I know the rules, under no circumstances is my personal life supposed to affect the team."

"Make sure that you do." Herb said as he started the car.

"I just had a talk with Walter." He informed her, changing the subject. "He doesn't seem to like the way I'm doing things."

"Did you really think he would?" Alexandra inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"No." Herb agreed. "But he's giving me the benefit of the doubt, letting me do things my way."

"Is there any other way with you?" Alexandra asked wryly, knowing her father was very set on doing things his way at all times.

Herb didn't answer the question, which was answer enough for her.//

Of Dreams and Miracles

2004-10-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've been working on this new story. In fact it's been calling to me, words are just flying out of my head onto the "paper" (rather word program, but...). It's been a while since a story came to me as smoothly and quickly as this one.

It's everything I hate in stories. I don't like writing movie-verse stories, simply because I don't think I can get enough to work with in two hours. I don't write about real people or even fictionalized versions of real people. I also despise orginal characters. Yet this story is all three.

It just called to me. I couldn't resist writing it and the character I created seems so real to me. Creating characters is always hard for me, so that's rather promising.

The story is called "Of Dreams and Miracles" and is a fanfic about the movie Miracle which is about the real 1980 USA hockey team and the "Miracle on Ice". I created a fictional additional daughter for Herb Brooks and thrust her right into the heart of things and a triangle with two of the players on the team.

The story seems to be unfolding in my head, without any help from me. Though some aspects are still a mystery to me, like which guy she's going to end up with. I want her with one guy, but I keep getting the feeling that she should be with the other. Like it's happening almost against my will. How strange is that?

I'm just going to follow my instinct and write it as it comes to me, I assume it'll all resolve itself in the end, though it's turning into an insanely long story. Which is okay. I like the long ones.

Here's a brief glimpse from a as-of-yet-unposted chapter:

//Rizzo smiled at her. "Thank you." He said quietly. "Now I know why O.C likes you so much."
Elizabeth bit her lip. "About that..."
"Don't worry I'm not gonna say anything." Rizzo assured her. "I think the two of you are crazy for sneaking around like that, but it's your business."
"Thank you." She said softly.
Rizzo just nodded and then looked her straight in the eye. "My only question is what about Mac?"
"What about him?" Elizabeth replied, looking down at her hands.
"O.C's not the only one who can't take your eyes off of you." Rizzo pointed out to her. "Liz, it's bad for the team if they start fighting over you."
"I know." She said quietly. "I'm trying to avoid that. There really isn't anything between Robbie and I, not anymore."
"Anymore being the qualifying word." Rizzo pointed out quietly. "I don't know what happened and I don't see the point in asking, since I don't think either one of you will tell me, but I do know that whatever there was between you, it's not completely dead."
"Is something like that ever dead?" She retorted and then sighed. "Look Rizzo, I'll do my best to make sure that this doesn't blow up it anyone's faces, and I mean with both my dad and Robbie."
She wasn't sure it was something she was going to be able to do, but as she said, she'd try her best.//

I liked that scene. In fact, I like the whole story so far. It's really coming together and working for me. I'm very impressed.

Emotions

2004-09-21T16:03:00.000-07:00

My writing, like everyone's I assume, has alwyas been based on my emotions. What I feel, I pour out into whatever I'm writing. I mean, sometiems I delve deeper than I feel and create emotions that I know nothing about. How else would I be able to write about falling in love?

Except, I rarely write about /falling/ in love. I write stories about being in love, but usually about love ending. I've always focused on the more painful emotions, perhaps because you really can't write the joy of being newly in love unless you've experienced it, but I can take a wild guess at what the other side feels like and so I write about that.

I do write about unrequited feelings a lot, having experienced that. My fanfiction comes from all different places, I get inspired by the little thigns. But my orginal work comes from the people around me, it's alwyas been that way. Perhaps that's why I haven't written anything of substance yet.

I have another piece floating around my head. Tenatively I'm calling it "Amelia", that's the name of the main character, but I'm not sure if I'll stick with that. Or if it'll acutally be anything. Write now, it's just a tantalizing idea.

The characters came to me. In the beginning, they were people I knew, but I've already mishapen them beyong recognition, just taking the barest of qualities from real people. The problem is, it's meant to be a love story adn I don't know if I can write that. At least not the kind of love story that this needs to be. So perhaps, it'll be on the back burner for a while.

I'll write what I can now. But I'm not sure I can do it justice yet. Perhaps at 21 I'm not meant to write a great novel yet, I don't know if I have the life experience. But I'll just keep writing, until the stuff I want to write comes out.

This idea really is fascinating. The main character is of course, Amelia, excpet I think it'll be mainly from the perspectives of the other characters. She'll destroy lives and friendships and in the end they stil won't be able to resist her. From the glimpse I have in my head of her, she's not exactly likeable, but she's fascinating.

I don't know if it'll come to anything yet, but it keeps haunting me, so perhaps. We'll just have to wait and see.

Creatively Speaking

2004-09-16T18:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm wound up pretty tight these days, which isn't good for my emotional health, but has always been good for me creatively speaking. I mean, during my period between high schools, my mental state wasn't pretty, but I got some great writing out of it. That's always been the case.

I've noticed that these last few weeks, all I've been doing is writing, becasue it helps. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. It keeps me from snapping and gives me a release for all the stuff going on in my head.

It's always been like that. Except after the accident, I was too wound even to write. It just wouldn't come out, but that barrier's been broken and now it's pours out of me again, which is always good.

Most of it's weird stuff, but not bad. Here's a look at one of my new pieces. It's from the show "Instant Star", I know I'm writing about a Canadien drama, but whatever. The show called to me. Even if the paiing I like is totalyl wrong and illegal adn thus probably not goign to happen. Still, I've never been able to dictate my muse, so...

This is from a piece called "Wrong":

//She has an old soul and a talented one. Her music, her being, it called to him. As he told Darius, she was nothing but mature when it came to her music and that maturity spread to the rest of her.
That was probably why he broke all his own rules.
One afternoon, as they were working on their music, it just happened, they kissed and the rest happened from there.
Part of him feels guilty, because he's helping her grow up too fast. It would happen anyway, it's inevitable in this world, but he's supposed to be protecting her, instead he's adding to her corruption.
Not that she sees it that ways. All she sees is that she wants him and that she got him. To her it's that simple.
She's starting to get that rock star arrogance, but on her it's charming. Of course, he thinks everything about her is charming. He's so far under her spell it's not funny.
Sometimes, after they're done in the studio she takes off with her friend or her sister. Other times, he offers to take her home later, making an excuse about the two of them needing to work on lyrics.
Since the beginning, that afternoon on the pier, they've done their best work outside of the studio, so no one questions it.
On those occasions, they do work on lyrics, but usually when they do, they're laying in his bed, their limbs tangled together.
They still work incredibly well together and some of their best stuff comes after they've made love. It comes from a raw place deep inside them.
He remembers when they first met, telling her that writing a song was like falling in love. It has to come from that place.
Perhaps, it was inevitable that somewhere along the line they fell in love too, partners in more than one sense. //

It kind of shows where my head is right now, huh?

New Blog

2004-09-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

I decided to create another blog, leaving the first one for my thoughts and my personal stuff, this one for my creative thoughts. All the stuff that has to do with my writing will go here, since I need the outlet.

My creative process has been odd lately. Projects I haven't touched in months, even years, have suddenly been pushed to the forefront, while the stuff that I have been working on the last few months has pretty much been ignored. It's like I'm finally ready to finish all that unfinished stuff, which is good.

The stuff I've been writing has been weird. Not in a bad way, but different. My writing has always been dark and angsty, but now it's a little more so. A little more raw.

Like tonight, I couldn't help but write stuff for a brand-new Canadien drama that was only showing a sneak peak adn doesn't really air for months. If that's not odd enough, since normally I'm only inspired to write for shows I've been watching a while (or books I'm really into) I was inspired to write odd relationship pieces between a fifteen year-old and a twenty-two year old. Weird, gross and illegal, yet it called to me and the stuff's not half bad. A little darker, a little edgier, and with a subject matter that's a little wrong, but I like it. I may post bits and pieces, depends how it goes.

I've been working on more original stuff, which is good, since eventually I want that to be all I write. I love fan fiction, it's helped me hone my skills and all, but it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be a writer, write my own novels, create my own charachters. Which is the hard part, I'm not really graet at character creatiion. I can take other people's charcater and twist them to fit my idea, but I can't really create my own. But I'm gonna work on that.

The orginal stuff I've been working on isn't great, but it's a start. Some of it is odd. Like this bit that came to me out of nowhere:

//She looked up at him with tear-filled blue eyes. She had never imagined then they'd end up in this place. It seemed like a bad dream. "So you're getting married." She said, choking on the words. He nodded. "In two weeks." He turned his head, looking into the distance. "She a nice girl, Molly." He said, still not looking at her. "She'll make me happy." "That's good." Molly said, trying very hard not to cry. There was so much she wanted to say, but she didn't have the right. "I shouldn't have come here." She said quietly. "You're right, he said turning back to her. "Why did you? Why did you come back?"//

It just came to me one day and demanded to be written down. But that's all that came, it's just a weird drabble in the middle of something else. Something that hasn't come to me yet, but perhaps if I just wait on it it will.