Broken Illusions

So this is an orginal fanfiction piece I wrote. It took me a couple months to complete, which is weird since it's only a few pages. Still, that sometimes.

I started this after a conversation with my friend Tonya several months ago. She made me wonder if reality could ever live up to fantasy and this is what I came up with.

With most of my original stuff, I start with my own life and then diverge. I mess with situations and emotions and let my imagination take over. It starts with fantasy and becomes something else entirely.

I'm not sure if I like this one or not, but I think it certainly captures what I was going with when I started it. It captures the emotion that I wanted to display. I wanted to answer that question of what happens when you acheive something you've spent years trying to attain?


Created October 23rd, 2004

Broken Illusions
By Michelle


It wasn't supposed to be like this. She had waited her entire life for this and now that it came, it just felt so... Wrong.

Rachel lay in the darkness, just staring at the ceiling. She felt so cheap and dirty. Not the way she had expected to feel.

She glanced over at the man sleeping next to her. He seemed unaffected by the consequences of what had happened, but then why should he? It was nothing out of the ordinary for him. She was just another woman he had taken to his bed.

Actually, she knew that wasn't quite true. He wouldn't write her off that callously. After all, she wasn't just any woman he had taken to his bed.

She was his lifelong friend, the daughter of his parents oldest and dearest friends. Their lives had always been intertwined. They had been so many things to each other.

He had been part brother, cousin, friend, foe, crush. He had never fit into one role in her life and maybe that was why she had wasted so much of her time and energy over the year thinking about him.

This day had been several years in the making. Since they were sixteen year old kids.

She had thrown herself at him back then and he had rejected her. The next few years were spent with an awkward tension that they never spoke of. They tried to pretend that everything was wonderful between them.

But they couldn't pretend any longer. They were twenty-four now. No longer children. But then she was perfectly aware of that, as this was no childish mistake she had made.

No it was the mistake that only a woman could make.

She should have known it wasn't a good idea. Maybe rationally she did, but some part of her wouldn't listen. Some part of her still clung to the childish dream of happily ever after. But she didn't think that was in the cards.

Nick wasn't the settling down type, at least not at this point in his life. She supposed that's why he had spent so long trying to prevent this moment.

She had wanted him since she was sixteen and she had recently learnt that he had always wanted her as well, but for eight years he ahd insisted on pushing her away. Because he knew that taking her to his bed was not a good idea.

Everyone had tried to tell her that. Her mother, her sister, his sister, her friends. They had all tried to warn her that some things were better left alone, but she couldn't do it. Not once she discovered that he wanted her like she had always wanted him.

So, for the second time in their lives, she threw herself at him. Except this time, she wasn't an inexperienced child. She was a woman who knew what she wanted and how to go after it. In the end, she had succeeded.

His resolve had cracked and now she lay naked in his bed. And she wished with all her might that she was anywhere else.

"Do you really think you can handle being one of the women he sleeps with and then discards?"

Her mother's words, spoken several months earlier, rang in her head now. Not that he had discarded her yet, but she had no doubt that he would.

Maybe not right away, maybe their fling would last a few weeks or even a few months, but it would end, because with Nick, the flings always ended. No woman could hold him down for long.

Not even the girl who had adored him all their lives.

She closed her eyes, trying to fight back tears.

God, this was so wrong. She hated herself, hated him, hated everything about this stupid situation.

She thought she might throw up. This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. It was supposed to be beautiful, magical, the first night of the rest of their lives.

Instead, it just felt wrong.

Not that the sex hadn't been fantastic. At least that hadn't been a let down. No, Nick was pretty terrific in bed. Very skilled, very considerate.

But that's all it was.

Sex.

She had always assumed that went she went to bed with Nick, they'd make love. That there'd be deep emotion as well as physical pleasure and there wasn't.

She had spent eight years building it up in her head and the reality was a terrible let down. It wasn't his fault, of course. It was her own.

Nick had always been up front with her. Well, except about his feelings, btu that was natural. Still, he had never pretended that this was anything but what it was.

She was the one who had built up in her own mind, expecting it to be a life-changing experience when all it was some great sex with a guy she liked, but didn't want to spend the rest of her life with.

As she lay in the darkness, Rachel was forced to admit that she wasn't in love with Nick.

She loved him, of course. He had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember, of course she loved him. But not as a woman loved a man.

She loved him like a sister loved a brother. Like you loved a dear, old friend. She loved him like a young girl loves the boy next door.

She had always assumed that he was the one and had never stopped to really examine her feelings. Maybe she hadn't wanted to, because loving Nick was easy, she had been doing it all her life, after all.

Admitting that she no longer loved him was much harder. Nick had been her shield from every other man. After all, it was okay that she never got seriously involved with any of them, because her heart belonged to Nick.

Except it didn't. Maybe it never had.

Rachel contemplated getting out of the bed and getting dressed and sneaking out of there. Except, she knew that she couldn't do that. This might not be the grand love affair she had wanted it to be, but it deserved more respect than a quickly regretted one-night stand.

Not that she hadn't had a few of those, but not Nick.

No, even now, he was more than that. Even if he wasn't Prince Charming on a white steed who'd sweep her off her feet to go live happily ever after. But that wasn't his fault. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't.

If it was anybody's fault it was her own. She was the one that had made a flesh and blood male into a fantasy creation. It's no surprise that in the end she was disappointed.

But maybe it was for the best.

Maybe this what she need to start facing reality, to go find what she was really looking for. Nick wasn't it, he'd never been it.

Rachel smiled slightly, if a tad bitterly.

This night hadn't been what she had wanted it to be, but at least it had made her grow up.

Perhaps, that was why it hurt so much.

Nobody ever likes to have their fairy tale shattered and she was no exception.

But, there was no going back. One night had destroyed the illusion she had lived with for eight years and she'd never get it back.

The End

It's mainly fiction. But those that know me, know where I got the idea. Of course the difference is, that I'll never find out how the reality matches up.

First of all, it's not in the cards. But even if it was, it's not worth it. Things work the way they are and there are some places you should never. Besides for me, that was never an option, anyway.

Still, that's why I wrote this story. Who knows if that's the way it would really be in real life? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm not likely to find out, nor do I really want to.

I think I'd rather have the fantasy than face the harsh reality.

Broadening Horizons

I'm back with more Instant Star fanfiction. I'm also postiting at http://www.fanfiction.net/~Misha as well, but since I already started using this blog as a play to store my Instant Star fic, I figured I might as well continue.

Today's featured piece isn't actually Jude/Tommy (well not really), nor is it really depressing. It's a Kat piece set between "Hey Sister" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want". It just came to me, so I wrote it.

I like expanding my horizons sometimes anyway. I can't alwyas write the same thing--though I do have more Tommy/Jude stuff in progress, including a chapter piece that should have the first part done shortly.

Still, I'd like to work on stories about the other characters. I mean, you can't write the same story over and over, that's boring. So, here it is, my Kat piece.


My Knight
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be so young?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just a short Kat fic set in between "Hey Sister" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want". It stars out more somber and then gets cheerful, since I started it right after "Hey Sister". This is just the sort of interlude piece, sort of Kat's decision to go after Jamie. I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense, but I like it and I hope you do too. Enjoy!

Summery- I know I'm not the princess of the story, but that's okay, because I don't want Prince Charming, I'll settle for the knight, instead.

Pairing- Kat/Jamie, some implied Jamie/Jude and Tommy/Jude.

Rating- PG

Spoilers- Up to "You Can't Always Get What You Want".


In love. Jamie's in love with Jude.

I thought it was some silly crush that he'll get over. Then I heard him say it, that he's in love with her. I thought I'd throw up.

You see, as much as I pretend not to like him, I do. Isn't it ironic, I've got a crush on the guy who's in love with my best friend. And she's got a crush on her producer, who's feelings I couldn't even begin to guess.

It's all pretty complicated.

I really like Jamie. I see him when Jude doesn't, that's what is so frustrating.

He doesn't have a shot in Hell with Jude. She likes him, he's her friend, but she's so crazy about Tommy that she doesn't see anyone else.

Kind of like Jamie with Jude. He's so crazy about her that he doesn't see anyone else, mainly me.

I think that's why I give him a hard time so much, because I don't want to admit my feelings for him. After all, he's crazy about my best friend. And I can't compete with Jude, just like Jamie can't compete with Tom Quincy.

It's a fact of life.

It's like a fairytale, where the basic rule is that the knight doesn't shot have a shot in Hell of beating the prince, just like the handmaiden can't beat the princess.

All she can do is wait until the princess runs off with the prince and breaks the knight's heart.

I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to watch and wait until Jude's smashed Jamie's heart into a billion pieces.

And that will happen. I guarantee it. She'll break his heart. She won't mean to, but she'll do it. She'll do it without ever realizing it.

Because she doesn't see Jamie, not really, she never has. She sees him as her best friend, but she doesn't see him as more that, she doesn't want to see him as more than that.

But I do and I'm going to do something about it. I'm not just going to stand here, while he pines away for the girl he'll never get.

Why should I? Why shouldn't I have a chance at being happy? Maybe I'm not the princess in this fairytale, but that's okay, I'm not aiming for Prince Charming.

Well, he might be my Prince Charming, but not in this story. No, in this story, that titles reserved for a certain producer.

But that's okay. I don't really want Prince Charming. I'll let Jude be the princess, I'll let her have her boy band hottie. No, I just want Jamie.

And I'm going to get him.

Jude doesn't want him, she never will. So I don't think she'll mind if I pursue him. I mean, why would she?

So, I'll do it, I'll pursue Jamie Andrews and make him see that there are other girls besides Jude Harrison out there in the world. That while Jude isn't meant for him, maybe I am.

I'm going to do it, I'm going to make Jamie see that I'm the girl for him!

Just maybe this story will have a happy ending after all, even if we aren't the stars of any fairytale.

That's okay, if I can get Jamie, then I'm okay with second billing. I'll let Jude have the spotlight and Prince Charming, I just want a noble knight named Jamie Andrews.

The End

So there it is. Another Instant Star piece. I'm getting quite addicted, actually.

Feedback

Like any writer, feedback is one of my favourite things. It's certianly not why I write, I write because my muse tells me too. Writing is a part of my very being, I don't think I could ever stop writing. However, positive feedback does help.

When, I'm feeling discoured about a story or just suffering from writer's block, a positive review or e-mail can go along way. I don't write for the praise, but I definitely enjoy it. Now, that's not saying that every review I get is positve. I've gotten my share of negative reviews, but most of have been constructive and have helped.

I like knowing what I did wrong, so I can correct it. As long as it's worded constructively, then I actually appreciate it. I really like being given advice on how to improve my writing. The ones that are just plain negative, well I don't like them, but I can live with them.

But it's the postive reviews that mean so much. I've gotten so many wonderful, funny, really nice reviews. Hearing that people liked my work and that prevoked to think, that means so much to me.

One of my favourites was: its very nice, the perfect ending to the series, but its different from your usual style and a little too sweet. That's from a Harry Potter story I wrote a while ago, a short, sweet piece about Harry once the war with Voldemort was over. I just found the review interesting, as it almost implies that I should stick to the angst, which is my usual style.

I really like the long reviews, full of plot points and suggestions and interpetations. I like the idea that my stories make people think. I don't want to write stupid, mindless things, even if it's just fanfiction. I want to write things worth reading.

One of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten was: Wow.
Hats off to you. Really. This is some of the best writing I've seen on any fanfiction site. This is the work of a writer, not just a harry potter fan. After I read that, I just went 'wow'. I was so flattered. someone called me a real writer, that meant a lot to me.

I don't wnat to write fanfiction forever. I'd like to create my own characters someday, my own world. Still, all I want is to write and to have people like what I write and if right now the media available to me is fanfiction, then I'll do my best at it.